Fat Lazy Soccer Mom Gets Healthy

2011-09-10T09:49:00.001-05:00

Claim code

Seeking Serenity

2011-01-22T09:12:00.001-06:00

I'm back. Back with new efforts towards self-improvement and new challenges with said efforts.

Here's the thing. You may realize that I have a slight tendency to be easily annoyed by others and to be a little bit controlling, so lately I have been working on that. I recently learned a whole new vocabulary word...dun dun duuuuunnnnnn: "serenity."

The idea behind this word is that if you can "let go" of worrying about the actions of others, no matter how irritating or idiotic those actions may be, you can achieve a sense of inner peace. If you "let go" of thoughts of revenge, of concern for others opinions, of a desire to change other people, and only concern yourself with yourself, tranquility will fill the space formerly reserved for aggravation, frustration, irritation and self-doubt.

So, I'm plugging away - breathing deep - repeating the mantra "let go" over and over - reminding myself that I cannot control others - yadda yadda yadda. I was doing O.K. with the whole serenity thing, so yesterday I decided that for one day, I would not make fun of anyone (a huge challenge for me), say anything negative about anyone, or act judgmentally towards anyone. Naturally, though, with every challenge comes obstacles - and God decided to present me with some whoppers.

My class is in the midst of a "museum" theme. So, I, in all of my awesomeness, traveled to the city where I then went to the museum and pilfered maps and museum guides from every information booth, stuffing them all into my bag so that my two classrooms could study them and use them. My classes have enjoyed looking at and discussing the maps and we were preparing to use them for other projects next week.

So, anyway, we had this huge, annoying, meeting yesterday. Considering the extreme nettlesomeness that these meetings bring about, I was sitting in a state of meditation, concentrating on my personal serenity, when a teacher from another class said "thank you so much for the museum maps, that was so cool!" This somehow peaked my interest, so I opened my eyes and looked in her direction, thus realizing that the comment had been directed towards me. I answered "I didn't give you any of my maps."

She apparently didn't hear me because she and her aide continued to happily chat about how their students had cut up the maps and made collages. So I repeated, louder, "I didn't give you my maps!!!" Again they didn't appear to understand my words as they kept smiling and chirping on about the success of this project. I then directed my words towards my aide, who was sitting between them "I didn't give them my maps! Are the maps still in our room?" She asked the person next to her "Did you take the maps out of our room?" That person answered, "No, they were just in our classroom when I got here this morning." So, my serenity space was about to explode - I snapped my mouth shut, scrunched up my eyes as tight as I could and, breathing heavily and loudly through my nose, furiously repeated the words "let go" and "serenity" to myself.

Later in the meeting, another teacher's aide, who is not much older than twelve, claimed that she had better classroom management skills than me or pretty much anyone else in the school. As I had not yet managed to "let go" of the whole map incident, this comment easily put me into a quiet, calculating, revengeful state of mind. This little girl had no idea how difficult I could make her work day. She didn't understand what being on my bad side could mean to her. Then, while I was busy calculating my payback plan, that damned "serenity" word popped right back into my head. So, I was like, "WTF, inner peace means I have to let this go too? You're kidding, right?"

Some weird, tranquil, Ghandi-esque voice answered "I'm not kidding. Just let it go."

I looked around the room and nobody else seemed to be tuned into the "placidity channel," so I supposed the voice was speaking directly to me. I thought "You're nuts - there is no way I'm gonna let this go!"

Again, the annoying voice of inner peace filled my head "Let us spend one day as deliberately as Nature, and not be thrown off track by every nutshell and mosquito's wing that falls on the rails."

I answered "You stole that from Thoreau! You're just as bad as them! Besides, I don't even know what that means! Now get out of my head so I can make some plans! You are seriously getting on my nerves!"

I was hoping, at this point, that nobody else in the room had noticed I was having this inner conversation. Then the voice said "Let it go and I will leave you alone."

I said "Fine, just shut up already!"

The voice responded "Be still and know that I am with you."

"WELL, THAT"S JUST GREAT!!!!!" I answered.

I looked at these co-workers, and decided it wasn't worth it. I would just do the best job I could do, and let others dig their own holes to crawl out of.

Then, that stupid inner peace voice stated, fleetingly, "What hurt could it do thee if thou wouldst let it pass and make no account of it? Could it so much as pluck one hair from thy head?"

"HUH?"

Smile Practice" Everybody can see my eyes except for me." Marko - 4 years old by Kristina Yapp

2010-12-09T19:05:00.000-06:00

Smile Practice" Everybody can see my eyes except for me." Marko - 4 years old by Kristina Yapp

The Writer

2010-09-11T08:42:00.000-05:00

I don't know, exactly, when David became a writer. Maybe he was born that way. I, however, didn't meet him until he was four years old. I do know that, by four, he was already a writer.
Don't get me wrong, he could neither read nor write by the age of four, but he had stories in his head, and he could dictate. Dictate is what he did - for hours and hours and hours.
At that time I was working as a nanny for the Pedigo family. David, as I said, was four, and his brother Jonathan was eight months old. My son, Steven, was eight months old as well, and I spent my days learning and growing with these three little boys.
I must admit that Steven and Jonathan learned early independence and developed a keen sense of mischief because much of my time was spent transcribing the stories that flowed out of young David's mind. I dare say that, at four, David was more prolific and more productive than Eliot, Hemingway or King. He had no distractions, no responsibilities, no burdens and no other focus. Every event in his life became a story, and he had a natural love for experiencing his words on paper.
So, for years, while Steven and Jonathan poured water into vents, peeled wallpaper off of walls, destroyed Lego masterpieces, and mixed potions in the toilet, David dictated and I recorded his words.
Those words were put into a file, and now, seventeen years later, they still exist. The words of four year old David did not dissipate into the wind, they exist, and always will exist, because David is a writer.

Lazy Excuse

2010-08-09T12:26:00.000-05:00

"The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper is that your guests are so pleased to feel how very much better they are."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Thank You Eleanor. Reading the words above made me realize that the sight of my living room does not have to be a source of embarrassment but. Instead, with great pride, I will view it as a gift to other homemakers. You see, anyone who visits my house is bound to feel better about their own house and their own housekeeping skills. All this time I have viewed myself as lazy and unworthy - when, in reality, I m acting in a selfless manner- helping the housekeepers of the world.

Think about it. When you visit a home that is clean, organized and inviting, does it make you feel good about yourself? No - it makes you feel inferior. It fills your mind with visions of closet organizers, vacuum cleaners and windex. It makes you feel like moving furniture and shaking out rugs. That is a BAD state of mind.

On the other hand, when you see baskets of clothes waiting to be put away, dishes in the sink, toys scattered across the floor and various papers covering every surface, it makes you feel great about your own house. I mean, when you sit on a chair only to find a TV controller sticking into your butt, it makes you feel like you actually could invite people over without a two week notice. And, be honest, when you see something really disgusting - like a dead mouse or an old soiled diaper on the floor - it makes you feel like Martha Stewart.

So, even though I could put that pile of clothes in the drawers or sort through the jumbled papers and file them away, I wont. I mean, while I had planned to clean litter boxes, sweep floors, wash dishes and pull weeds - I think I will play a little Farmville instead. I will do this for you.

I would never want to make anyone feel substandard. It would hurt me deeply to know that I had caused another human being to think they needed to work harder than they already do. My goal is bring a sense of pride to others, no matter what housekeeping level they have achieved.

So, I make this promise to you. The next time you come to my house, it will make you experience so much pride in your own house that you will want to come back again and again. I am giving up the little bit of housework I currently maintain. I do this as a gift to you.

You're Welcome!

(I bet if I give up showering and teeth brushing I could encourage even more people's self-esteem - something to consider, ay?)

Sorry

2010-08-05T09:42:00.000-05:00

This is an apology, to you, my avid readers. You see, when I got this offer for this magazine print half of my story, I caught the publishing bug.

After receiving that awesome e-mail, I received a collection of emails saying that they liked the story, but it had been previously published. On the blog. The blog that is read by my mother, my husband, my great aunt, my three friends and my two acquaintances. The sad part is that my own son is not interested in reading my blog, and one of my regular readers, my husband, only reads it because I said I would beat him up if he didn't. I explained all of that, but, apparently, published is published.

So, its not that I stopped writing. Its just that I stopped writing for the blog. The reason - I don't want to inadvertently publish anything that shows promise. So, I can only put the sucky writing on the blog, and I haven't come up wit anything sucky lately (except for this, of course). Sorry.

I am working on things, and I am itching to post them and get your feedback. In fact, I started a young adult novel - but I can't tell you anything about it on this public forum. If you are really interested, though, send me your private e-mail. I would love to hear what you think.

So you know - I'm not ditching you for the far more glamorous and far more critical publishers. I just need to find a balance. I am working on it.

Thanks.

Fame!!!

2010-08-04T18:45:00.001-05:00

If you want to see my name in lights, go to:
http://www.clevermag.com/

Smile Practice

2010-07-29T20:49:00.002-05:00

"Everybody can see my eyes except for me."

Marko - 4 years old

I heard the above quote recently, and I found it to be brilliant, magnificent and thought provoking. My immediate reaction was that the genius behind this idea must be equal to the likes of Einstein, Newton and Da Vinci. As it turned out, it was my own son who had said this over dinner. Were you aware that mental capacity and IQ is always inherited maternally? Studies have shown that there is no connection whatsoever between a man's brain and his sperm - therefore children's capacity for intelligent thought comes through the mother's genes only. It's true - look it up.

I'm going to take that profound idea, and take it one step further. Everybody can see my face except for me. This idea made me start wondering what I look like to other people. When I look in the mirror I look like a nice person who is pretty darn cute for her age. But, what Marko said made me realize that I have never seen my actual face - the mirror is a reflection of my face. Plus, when I look in the mirror, I always know I'm looking, so I make a point of looking nice. Now, I don't know about you, but I often look at people when they don't know I'm looking - so it would be sensible to think that people look at me when I don't know they're looking. That means that people are looking at me when I'm not making an effort to look like I'm nice.

You are probably thinking that I am spending way too much time thinking about something so stupid, and you might be right. Before you pass judgment, I think it is finally time for me to reveal some very secret and highly dangerous aspects of my life. I only hope that, in sharing my story, I will not be putting you into mortal danger. If you value your life, you may want to stop reading right now and forget you ever heard of The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom. I won’t blame you.

For those of you willing to take this risk - I am finally ready to confide in you and you alone. Just please, for both of our sakes, never repeat what I am about to tell you to anyone - not to your spouse, your children, your mother or your closest friend. Most importantly, for your safety as well as mine, swear you will not breathe a word of this to a very tall limping man who is dressed all in black and has six fingers on one hand.

You see, when I was a very young child I witnessed an elusive mafia boss commit a heinous crime. This vicious criminal had been able to evade the great Detective Dave Diamond for over a decade. Even though I was very young I was the only living person able to give an eyewitness account and a positive I.D. I testified in court, putting this major mobster behind bars for a sentence of one hundred years. I was then placed in the witness protection program, hidden for the rest of my life from extremely dangerous Sicilians who want me dead. I am sure you are all intrigued, but unfortunately I am sworn to secrecy and cannot give you any more details. In fact, what little I have said here could put me in a great danger. If this gets into the hands of the wrong people - a certain Organized Crime Ring from Chicago could make a major comeback. Still, I felt I needed to tell you this in order for you to understand the rest of my story.

I am sure you have already figured out that it was imperative that no one be allowed to take pictures of me. Because I had single-handedly exposed the Cosa Nostra they, obviously, put out a hit on me. Pictures of me were worth millions of dollars because they would reveal my whereabouts. I was taught, therefore, to avoid being photographed at all costs, and, as a last resort, to make a really stupid face if I couldn't avoid a camera.

While a picture is like a mirror in that it is just an image of a face and not a real face - I have never had a picture taken that is a true representation of what others see when they look at me. The few photos that exist always show me making a really stupid face:

See what I mean?

We members of The Witness Protection Program have no real idea what we look like. This is just one sad reality that must co-exist with a life of covertness and peril.

I know I am asking too much by putting all of this responsibility on your shoulders - but I'm afraid there's more:

I have never wanted my children to be nervous that bounty hunters might still be after me, so I never told them about my history. I could never tell my husband because he is too simple minded to be trusted. They only know that I would rather be the one taking the pictures than be the one in the pictures. That is why I cannot blame my son for taking a series of candid shots of me when I wasn't paying attention. He was not aware that he was putting all of our lives in danger.

When I saw these pictures - the only undisguised photos of myself in existence - I noticed something very disturbing. In each and every picture, I am frowning. Actually, one could even say I was scowling. Look quickly and carefully - in thirty seconds this image will self-destruct.

Do you see that glower? In picture after picture I have that malicious, hateful face! This is the first time in my life that I have seen an image of my face looking how it looks when I don't know anybody is looking! And I look so mean! No wonder my husband is afraid of me!

I needed to find out once and for all if this is how I appear in the eyes of others, so I asked my mother if I sometimes frown - and she, in the sweet little voice of an elderly woman, answered "I wouldn't say some of the time, I would say all of the time."

So, now I am making a conscious effort to smile all the time - no matter what. So, if I find a dead animal in my living room, I smile - if my son punches his brother right in the nose, I smile - If my husband wears the same shirt for five consecutive 98 degree days, and the air conditioner is broken, and he does not shower, swim, or wash, I smile. I am also working at being more conscious of my facial muscles so that I will be instantly aware of my frowning lips. When I feel the sides of my lips turning down, I automatically bring them up. I figure that if I keep working on it, I will eventually have a permanent smile on my face. If that doesn't work - there's always Botox.

He Did Overcome!

2010-07-29T09:53:00.003-05:00

This morning I was remembering a quote by Eleanor Roosevelt that correlated directly with what I wanted to write about today. To get the quote exactly right, I did an internet search. I found more than just the selection I was looking for. As I read through Eleanor's most famous excerpts, I became increasingly inspired. I found that about 90% of the things she said were pertinent my life today. I wanted to copy these words down and hang them on my wall so I wouldn't forget (which I will likely do when I am done with this). This introduction has little to do with today's blog - I just wanted to let you know that Eleanor had some very intelligent, sensible things to say which enlivened my spirit. I might be a little behind the times here - but don't be surprised if I start going all Eleanor Roosevelt on you.

AND NOW - ON WITH THE STORY:

I believe that anyone can conquer fear by doing the things he fears to do, provided he keeps doing them until he gets a record of successful experience behind him. Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor Roosevelt lived from 1884 until 1962. When I mentioned her to my seven year old son, Mikey, he had no idea who I was talking about. Still, her words, above, are directly related to a recent achievement on his part of which his father and I are very proud. You see, Mikey faced and overcame a fear that has plagued him for more than half of his life. He accomplished this by acting just as Eleanor had suggested over 50 years ago - he did the very thing he was afraid of - and he did it in a big way.

When Mikey was three, his baby brother Marko was born. While my husband and I were at the hospital welcoming little Marko into the world, (a very painful welcome as far as I was concerned - but that is another story) Mikey and his brothers stayed at their Grandmother's house. We don't know whether or not that short period of separation was the inception of Mikey's anxiety - but, what we do know is that after those few days, Mikey's willingness to sleep away from his family ceased.

Now, Mikey is not a fearful child by nature. In fact, it is difficult to find anything that scares him. He definitely isn't afraid of his father or me. Mikey is a daredevil who cares nothing about danger or possible consequences. He scales the tall fence at the ball field even though he had been told four thousand times not to go near it. He pulled crabs out of the ocean with his bare hands. He climbs all the way to the top of the wall at the pool, and then drops 20 feet down into ten feet of water, making sure he touched bottom before coming up for air. He will climb anything, jump from any height and challenge anyone. There is no dare he was willing to pass up. Mikey was born a larger than life, fearless alpha male, and no one or no thing has ever been able to make him feel small. Except - his fear of spending the night away from his family.

This nervousness was not due to a lack of desire. Mikey was invited to sleep over at friends houses many times - and he was always excited to go - always certain that he would succeed. He packed his clothes, toothbrush, pillow and sleeping bag and he took off. But then, infallibly, the moment bedtime was mentioned, his eyes widened, his two sucking fingers entered his mouth and tears started rolling down his cheeks. With great sorrow, he would whisper "I want to go home." We have, as a result, received numerous late night phone calls prompting us to go out in our pajamas and bring our Mikey home. Each time this happened, we then sat up for hours consoling an angry, sobbing Mikey who was full of shame and self-loathing.

But, as Eleanor said, one conquers fear by doing the thing he fears to do. This is exactly what my little boy finally did.

We had been bringing Mikey's older brothers to Camp Shaw Waw Nas See for eleven years. This was the first year Mikey was old enough to stay overnight. He had seen his brothers off to camp every summer of his life, and now it was finally his turn. Mikey had been telling people he was going away to camp for ages - but then, a few days before he and Elijah were set to leave, that old fear returned. Mikey wanted to go to camp, but HE DID NOT WANT TO SLEEP THERE! We took turns trying to convince him, but the more anyone talked about it, the more upset and adamant he became. Mikey insisted that if he had to sleep at camp he wouldn't go to camp. We took turns trying to persuade him, and finally, exhausted, we made arrangements for him to attend camp during the day and come home at night. Everything was settled, Mikey was pacified, and that was the end of that.

But then, at the last possible moment - some part of that seven year old boy - some inner strength exerted itself and defeated the fear. On the day Elijah was leaving for camp, Mikey suddenly announced that he was going too! My first thought was "damn, now I have to pack both of them." But then I was beaming. I was so proud of my courageous son.

On the first night my husband and I waited anxiously for the phone call. The second night we put the phone next to the bed. By the third night, it was clear that he was victorious. He had faced fear and he had overcome. He spent six nights at Camp Shaw, in a cabin of boys and counselors he had never met before, and he had the time of his life.

I will say he came home with an even bigger larger-than-life attitude than before - and at moments I've felt he needed to humbled a bit - but I am yet to find any person or any thing sizable enough to knock Mikey down.

Dear Editor

2010-07-27T19:31:00.003-05:00

Well, I recently began looking into having some of my short stories published by people other than myself. I had no idea how complex this process actually is. Little by little, however, I have been figuring things out. I started out by sending a story out to a whole bunch of publishers just to see what would happen - and, hip hip hooray - I got an offer to publish from a small literary magazine. I also learned a couple of lessons. The first is that you aren't actually supposed to send the same story to 40 different publishers because whoever prints it has exclusive rights to it, and then if somebody else wants to publish it they will get pissed because they can't, and you just wasted a whole bunch of their time - oops. The second is that if you put your story on a public forum such as a blog site, many publishers consider it previously published and therefore not eligible which gets them all pissed because you just wasted a whole bunch of their time - oops. The third is that editors receive thousands of stories a month and if you don't have a really good query letter that catches their attention, they probably wont even read your story - oops.

So, anyway - the first time was a trial run - and I learned, and I will do things differently the next time around. I figured I should start with a really good, attention grabbing cover letter that would make an editor want to read the story I send.

Here's what I want you to do. I am going to post my query letter, and I need you to pretend you are some big shot, rude, egotistical, thinking you're God's gift to the world editor and tell me if this letter would make you decide to send me a nasty e-mail about how I need to read your submission guidelines before I even attempt to send you any more of my crappy writing, or if it will make you want to read my story, thus discovering the hottest new talent on the writing scene. So, let me know which it is, O.K.?

Dear Editor,

Let me introduce myself. I am an overweight, naturally lazy 39 year old woman with a very busy, full life. Specifically, here is a list of all the things I have to deal with each and every day:

1.       An extremely annoying husband who has absolutely no handy-man skills.
2.       A house that has an ever increasing need for a handy-man.
3.       Four sons who were all born with a natural love of and talent for destruction.
4.       A dog who loves me so much that he feels a need to be constantly touching me no matter what I am trying to do (which is very irritating, especially when I am sleeping and he cuddles up with my face).
5.       Way too many cats which I, for some mysterious reason, have accepted into my home.
6.       Some strange, unknown disorder, indicated by my allowing all those cats to live in my house, which I am actively working on diagnosing and curing through the services of both a therapist and a very tall shaman.
7.       A job as a preschool teacher (for a classroom of children who tend to be even more destructive than my four sons).
8.       A lizard, four frogs and a hermit crab who may or may not be dead.

Now that you have a clear idea what I am up against, you will understand why I, not so long ago, made a decision that something had to change. You see, I woke up one morning knowing I couldn’t take it anymore. I found myself at a crossroads – I could either pack my bags and leave everything behind, finding myself a small hut on some uninhabited island where I could live out my days alone, in total peace and tranquility or I could begin complaining about every little thing that bugs me on a public forum, therefore garnering the sympathy and empathy of the world. The better of the two options was obvious, so I started to pack. Then I realized that, if left unchecked, my children would quickly demolish the house and escape – thus being let loose on the world. Because I know them so well, I could clearly envision the trail of disaster and devastation. I just couldn’t let that happen - so the blog Fat Lazy Soccer Mom Gets Healthy was born.

I began posting essays about the daily madness that is my unfortunate existence. Soon after that, I began receiving correspondence from others like me – poor souls who had wanted nice, normal lives only to find themselves surrounded by lunatics. These people are numerous, and I continue writing for them – so that they will know that they are not alone.

I have attached a short story with the hope that you will consider publication, thus touching more readers than my blog alone can reach. Feel free to read more of my work on my site:

http://fatlazysoccermomgetshealthy.blogspot.com/

I would appreciate any feedback or criticism (unless you don’t like my writing, in which case, I would appreciate it if you would lie).

Thank you for your consideration,

Kristina Yapp

The Key

2010-07-25T21:26:00.004-05:00

I suppose it is possible that what originally appears to be completely ludicrous, idiotic and just plain dumb, in retrospect, can make perfect sense. It turns out that one person can believe that another person's actions are completely nonsensical and ridiculous when, in reality, they are highly intelligent and useful. I am saying this because, yesterday, something I have been ridiculing for many years turned out to be the very thing that kept a huge mistake on my part from becoming a catastrophe.

The thing I am talking about, the thing I have belittled and laughed at for eons, is my husband - or, rather, a particular practice he has persisted in with no regard for my repeated criticism and disapproval. I have even gone as far as mocking him publicly, making him the subject of my sometimes sarcastic and scornful comedy act. I was so certain that I, being far more clever and intelligent, had an indisputably superior understanding of, well, of everything.

So, here's the deal:

This thing my husband does, this thing that, to me, has never made even a smidgen of sense, is that he keeps our spare car keys in our car. I have, from the day I met the man, spouted innumerable flaws in this practice. For instance, if you lock your primary set of keys in your car - then all your keys will be locked inside your car - defeating the purpose of the spare key. Another example - say some no-account hoodlum, out looking for trouble, were rifling through that car, late at night, hoping to find some spare change, a neglected i-pod, or a G.PS., but instead came across the keys to that very car. I can almost hear his uncontrollable giggling while driving away - and who could blame him?

Well, with disregard to my unwavering logic, ignoring all of my mocking and jeering - he remained steadfast. He provided no explanation, remained quiet in his resolve, and simply, unassumingly, refused to change his ways. It was as if he somehow knew that, in time, his wisdom would become apparent. He had some mystical, psychic foreknowledge that the time would come when his stubborn, senseless insistence on keeping the one extra set of keys in the car would be essential in salvaging a potentially disastrous situation - a situation caused by me - by a blunder for which I must take full responsibility.

The Story:

Some friends of ours were going out of town for several weeks, and asked us to come to their house twice a day to take care for their very sweet and much beloved dog. They gave us the key to their house, and I, acting with great brilliance and trustworthiness, put the key onto our own keyring so that it would not get lost. Yesterday was the first day of our dog guardianship. Because we care about our friends, and know how sorrowful they would be if anything tragic happened to their darling pet, we felt a great sense of responsibility. Therefore my son, Elijah, and I very prudently drove to the house in the morning, letting the dog out into the yard. As instructed, we returned in the evening to fill his both his food and water, sit with him to stave off his loneliness, and bring him safely into the house for the evening. We were feeling quite admirable about our superior performance, and, with an arrogant sense of pride, we locked the doors and departed.

Unfortunately, we had overlooked one tiny detail. You see, before fulfilling our promise to our friends, we had been visiting my mother at her house. When the time came to care for the dog, I chose to use my mother's car instead of my own. I did remember, however, to take my keys so that we would be able to let ourselves into the house. Upon completion of the job, we returned to my mother's house to retrieve the remainder of our family and our car. We walked into the house, swaggering with the pride of a job well done. Suddenly, it hit me - .I had overlooked one exceedingly significant detail. We had let ourselves into the house with the key - the key that I had attached to our car keys - the key that was now sitting on the counter of the house - the house that we had so carefully and deliberately locked.

I was momentarily overwhelmed by the implications of my grave error. That poor dog, the treasured companion of our good friends, was locked in a house, his family gone for weeks, with only a modest amount of food and water, sad and alone - and there was no access to him. Magnifying the problem, my own house was locked - my own pets in danger of loneliness and starvation as well. My car was sitting right there in front of my mothers house, but without keys it was rendered immovable - we were all stranded. Foremost in my mind, however, was the image of the sorrowful faces of our friends when they returned to find their dog - the dog they had entrusted to me - lying on the floor starved and neglected, locked away in the prison that my neglectfulness had created. But then - I remembered - I had a vision of hope - a single happy idea entered my mind - could that darling idiot of a husband of mine have actually been right all along?

With optimism, humbleness and sweetness, I asked, "Milan, do you still have those spare keys hidden in our car?"

He gazed at me with understanding and empathy, and in his mild and unassuming manner, he simply answered "Yes."

He, without boasting, without displaying signs of bravado, without gloating or bragging, calmly retrieved the keys that had become a symbol of our differing views. The keys that had made him the object of my derision and degradation for so many years. Then, with a quiet sense of assuredness about him, he drove me back to to the house of our friends, quickly discovered an accessible entryway, and valiantly recovered the forgotten keys.

I thought of the many times I had taunted this man and demeaned him - always laughing gleefully. In the end, however, the very thing that I had scorned had come to my rescue. I gazed over at my husband, feeling sheepish. He, however, did not utter one word of condescension or superiority. He sent not even one haughty glance in my direction. He remained steady and tranquil - like the farmer from Babe.

So - I must now accept that there may be times when I am wrong - when something that seems completely ridiculous to me may be perfectly sensible from another's standpoint. I now admit to the possibility of wisdom in acts that initially appear nonsensical and laughable. I have been humbled by this occurrence, and, in the future, I will remember that other's ideas, while not easily understood, may be based on reasons both sound and intelligent.

So, at least for today, I cannot say, with my usual conviction, that my husband is an idiot. However, I feel I must add that not being able to call him an idiot makes him more annoying than ever!

The Ant Graveyard

2010-07-24T05:30:00.014-05:00

Have you ever seen the movie "Poltergeist?" I'm pretty sure everyone has (except for babies, toddlers and all you yellow bellied, chicken-hearted, lilly-livered cowards out there). Anyway, do you remember how all of the angry spirits of the dead rose from their graves because the town was built on top of an old graveyard, and "They had never moved the bodies!!!"

Well, I am convinced that, when my town was built, they did the exact same thing! There is one minor difference, though. My town was not built over a human graveyard, it was built over a sacred ant burial ground - most likely tens of thousands of years old. I know this because the incensed spirits of the dead ants - irate at this contemptible disturbance and destruction to their sanctified resting place - rise up annually in order to punish all who dare spoil and plunder the sacredness of their holy land.

I feel quite certain that neither the builder of that first home nor the visionary for this town was aware that they were disturbing a prehistoric necropolis, consequently interrupting the tranquility and peacefulness of numerous generations of insects. I am in no way laying blame on our predecessors who made this town what it is today. I have thought a lot about the founding of this village, and have concluded that it must have been early summer when the construction of the first of all our many homes commenced.  I believe this to be true because, each and every year, on the first warm day, the hostile apparitions make their presence known - and there is nothing that can stop this eerie and frightening occurrence. My family has attempted for years to keep the ghosts at bay. Each winter we work tirelessly, caulking all of the cracks in our walls, repairing every hole, filling any fissures, covering even microscopic pinpricks found only by means of a painstakingly slow, precise examination. We each go over every square inch of wall, floor and ceiling, making sure that no possible entryway is overlooked - but still, on the first warm day, they always appear. Clearly, as our house is a veritable fortress against unwanted critters, even those of microscopial stature, these supernatural phantasms possess the ability to pass directly through walls, floors and ceilings. Nothing can stop them.

I'm afraid it's true. My house is haunted by zombie ants. From the first warm day of each year until the first frost of winter, these ghouls spread terror throughout my kitchen, my house and my very soul. For those of you unbelievers out there, I have absolute proof, impervious evidence, that these disembodied spirits who choose to appear in the form of ants are actually and truly the undead. They cannot be killed by any acknowledged method. Believe me - I have tried each and every purported ant killing system, always with the same result. I have purchased and set every kind of trap. I have lined walls and counter tops with ant killing gel. I have sprinkled ant killing powder, which the ants carry back with them to the colony, on every surface of my home. I have surrounded the outer foundation of my house with ant killing stakes. I have even, in total desperation, combined bleach and ammonia, resulting in the intensely dangerous, life-threatening compound: Nitrogen Trichloride. After clearing my home of all living things, and donning a gas mask, I sprayed this deadly mixture generously onto every square inch of my home - but after a week, when it was finally safe to return, we found that these uncompromising, unfathomably robust entities remained, unharmed and prepared for combat. I tried garlic, crosses, holy water, silver bullets, circles of salt, mixtures of herbs known for their supernatural powers, strange and mysterious potions, magical incantations and medieval poisons. I have set off ant bombs. I have plugged in devices that let off a high frequency, constant and annoying screech not detectable by humans - but detested by ants. I have tried to smoke them out, soak them out and freeze them out. I even, once, rented an anteater for a two week period - but have been told that the wretched beast has never recovered from the terror that he experienced while in my humble domicile. Everything I have told you points to one simple, indisputable fact. These ants cannot be killed - because they are already dead!!!

Even when I dare to venture outside of my cursed residence, I am not free! While in South Carolina, I stepped off of a swamp path in order to get the best possible picture of my family, and suddenly I began to experience excruciatingly painful stinging over the entirety of my legs and feet. I began jumping, slapping frantically at my afflicted skin, screaming obscenities and throwing my shoes - frightening my children as well as any nearby wildlife - and I swear, on my own husband's very life, that when I looked down to see what horrid creature had attacked me so violently - it was the same 'Ants Of The Living Dead' I have come to know and dread. These were the very ones that haunt me whether I am asleep or awake. I stared down in silence, panic-stricken, utterly paralyzed by fear. It was beyond understanding, but I must testify to the absolute, genuine existence of the following, wholly undeniable, horrifyingly grievous, yet altogether genuine vision that I encountered. There was what seemed to be an infinite number of fire ants engulfing my lower extremities, painfully seizing my skin with their dagger-like, torturous jaws. But, between bites, each of them gazed up at me with complete malice. Still, even more distressing than the realization that I was being assaulted by enraged fire ants, even more petrifying than the knowledge that the current pain I was feeling would be neither easily nor speedily alleviated, was the eerie, well-known expression in the eyes and in the demeanor and aspect of these agonizingly familiar insects. You see, these monstrous creatures of darkness were smiling up at me with the precise malevolence I had become accustomed to in my home as well as in my most devilish, most dreaded, most terrifying nightmares.

In addition to finding these vile miscreations to be unspeakably wretched, I am often left stunned and utterly dumbfounded by their mystifying speed and cunning thievery. Just recently,  I dropped a single cheese cracker onto the floor of my bewitched kitchen. I immediately bent down to retrieve this delicious tidbit, but before my fingers were allowed to acquire and retrieve this object of sustenance, hundreds of these apparitions had appeared, as if they had manifested from some unearthly realm. I found myself suddenly dazed, astonished and stupefied - I could do nothing but stand watching, mouth opened in an expression of shock, while these spectral ghouls retreated, carrying this scrap of human nourishment down into the depths of direful darkness from which they had emanated. These paranormal tricksters have even managed to enter areas that are absolutely impregnable - completely unattainable. Nothing is safe from these miniature criminals and their wily deceit. They raid and plunder without remorse. Their abilities are mystical, unfathomable and incomprehensible. I will never come to fully understand either their motives or their methods. These deplorable scalawags have provoked my wrath and have caused me unforgivable agony and torment with their deceptive conjuring. The most dreadful, unspeakable, inexcusable act on the part of these vile barbarous assailants has been their persistent systematic destruction of entire jars of my most beloved peanut butter. Jars of peanut butter that have been closely examined, screened, tested, and then counter-checked using precise and foolproof methods. I will assure you that each jar was put away air tight, inaccessible, with a securely fastened lid. I swear to you that each and every peanut butter jar was stored in a condition that was invulnerable - untouchable - utterly immune to attack or penetration. Still, it must never be forgotten that we are discussing creatures of unnatural intelligence, deceptive cunning, calculated scheming and unspeakable evil. They are aware that peanut butter is my favorite food, and due to their insatiable desire to cause infinite misery and desolation to all people daring to live upon their land - they are wholly dedicated to being both viciously deceptive and pitilessly cruel. They have used their knowledge of my favorite food - knowledge attained through espionage and subterfuge - in order to damage me in the the most profound and unfathomably intense ways imaginable.

One of the most terrifying experiences of my life occurred as a result of my attempt to outsmart, outwit, and finally rid my existence of these detestable brutes. I had purchased, from a catalog, a Praying Mantis egg sac which I kept in a mesh cage. I was anxiously, excitedly awaiting the emergence of innumerable hungry and capable baby mantises. I had what I perceived to be an infallible plan. I would have no problem feeding to the young mantises the very ants who had filled my existence with undeniable torment and anguish. The idea was so simple, yet so flawless and clean. I would merely place a single froot loop into the dwelling place of my newly hatched mantises, thus luring the devilish ants to their doom. However, these miniscule beasts, calculating and vicious , were able to outwit me and circumvent my plans in a most foul and untoward manner. I was anxiously anticipating the impending arrival of my mantis hatchlings - my soon to arrive rescuers from the sinister shadow that had overtaken my once beloved home. I was filled with the giddiness of hope and anticipation. But then, on one disastrous Saturday morning, I awoke to discover a most gruesome, macabre display of inconceiveable devilishness. The image of that morning has been etched permanently onto my psyche, and I do not believe I will ever overcome the guilt that has stemmed from the knowledge that it was my own selfish actions that caused the ghastly and brutal demise of my poor, innocent, beautiful unborn praying mantises. As was my ritual at that time, upon rising, I immediately glimpsed into the lovely habitat I had created for the impending birth of these already beloved individuals, checking the egg sac to see if the exhilarating day had finally arrived. However, the ghastly events of that one fateful morning brought an abrupt end to all of my optimism and bliss. When I peered, that morning, into the enclosure of my dear egg sac, I was confronted with an unbelievably horrific, dreadful, and utterly hideous display of fiendish violence and malice. Those highly intelligent, diabolical beings were inside the carefully crafted praying mantis environment - and they were savagely tearing the unborn, yet distinctly alive mantises from their life giving, protective egg sac. As if that were not enough - they proceeded to systematically dismantle the bodies of my mantises. My young warriors, my future saviors, my anticipated deliverers from these hell-hounds , demolished. These pathologically morbid, loathsome, ghoulish entities had, in this single action, destroyed my blissful vision of an approaching light that would challenge, oppose, beat back and defeat the darkness that had permeated my existence. Instead, the enemy bore down and destroyed my champions before they were given the opportunity to come into existence in the world outside of the warmth and safety of their miraculous egg sac. I will never forget this repulsive vision, this absolutely devious act on the part of the ants, or the tragic demise of the mantises - who were cheated out of life, attacked with no means of self-defense and no protection. This will stay with me until death - it has been several years since that day, but I am often awakened late at night due recurring visions of the wicked abominations that annihilated both my young heroes and my innocence.

It has been many years, and I have had many experiences, so I don't remember clearly how, in the movie, they resolved their poltergeist problem. I think that at one point they may have procured the services of a professional who promised to expel evil spirits. I have considered, as one final, desperate attempt, the idea of bringing in a priest who is an expert in the exorcism of the type of repugnant, detestable, pugnacious presence with which I have been forced to co-exist. However, after all these years of unsuccessful attempts, of hopes obliterated, of dreams demolished, I have lost my ability to trust that anything will will rid me of this hex. I can no longer bring myself to believe in the possibility of an end to this torment that has become my life, my very existence.  I do not think my fragile spirit could survive another upset. If I remember correctly, in the movie, the final result was that all of the people living in the haunted town were forced to move elsewhere, and all of the buildings, having been erected on accursed land, were torn down - therefore placating the disturbed spirits - subsequently ending the reign of terror that these disembodied beings had brought forth. Unfortunately for myself, my family and my poor suffering community, evacuating this town  is simply not practical considering the current economy. It would be impossible to consider returning this land to the disturbed, wrathful, incensed evil spirits who, in ancient times, deemed it consecrated, sacred ground where generations of ants would experience peace and eternal rest. For now, I suppose, I will just have to accept living in a house that is doomed to be eternally inhabited by the enraged, tempestuous spirits of thousands upon thousands of scorned, disrespected, spectral ants. Other than that, all I can do is keep my peanut butter in the refrigerator where it seems to be safe from supernatural sabotage - at least for the time being.

Free Kittens

2010-07-22T22:10:00.000-05:00

It's true - I have kittens, and I'm giving them away - FOR FREE!!!!

I have had many people question this particular practice on my part. Here's the deal - I really LOVE kittens. They are so cute and so fun and they make me so so so happy - and I have some leftover issues from my childhood about always wanting baby animals around but not being allowed to have them. So, I keep avoiding the spaying of my lovely girl cat, and keep allowing her to produce litters of kittens that I cannot keep.

It turns out, though, that my mother had a point. While baby animals are very cute, loving and satisfying - they also have some negative qualities. Namely, the hair and the smell. Plus, there is the social stigma of being perceived as a crazy cat lady (at least not until I'm a little older). Plus, there is the hygiene issue of stuffing four boys, six frogs, one lizard, one hermit crab (who may or may not be dead), one dog, four cats, and six kittens into one very small home.

So, here's the deal - I love the kittens - but they got to go. Still, this creates a major issue in my life. Because I love them, I don't really want to drown them, leave them in the wild to fend for themselves, or donate them to the humane society (Plus, my son, Elijah, who is a cat lover, would never forgive me for any of the above). I need to find homes for the cuddly little fur balls - but for some reason, there are no takers.

Another issue - you know about that whole Chinese 'no girl' policy - which I, for the record, am totally against. I'm feeling the same way about these kittens. If the boys end up staying, it's OK because they can't contribute more litters (at least not to my house) - but the girls have to go - even if I have to go against my own principles to make it happen. I will accept sons, a boy dog and boy cats - what does that say about me? (maybe I just like being the one queen of this kingdom).

Bottom line - this blog is a plea. Please, somebody, come and take these baby cats off of my hands. They are very cute, very funny, very cuddly, and very in need of a stable home (especially the female!!!!). Come on - you know you want one - and you can't beat the price!!!

Letting Go

2010-07-19T20:26:00.001-05:00

What can a person give to their children besides love. My son Is 18 years old now and is itching to go out and live his life, and I am coming to realize that love is all I have for him. He shuns protection, wastes money, denies offers of time, ignores advice and rolls his eyes at concern. I have come to accept that my dreams are not his dreams, and that while he was once a part of me and came from me, he is now a separate person who must find his own way. So, what can I give him besides love? There is nothing else.

Still, there is a sense of peace that comes with this realization - and I suppose that peace is what is referred to as "letting go."I will always love him ferociously with all of my heart, and will always want him to have joy and happiness in his life - but he must now provide those things for himself.

Khalil Gibran said:

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of lifes longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams. You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and he bends you with his might that his arrows may go swift and far. Let your bending in the archers hand be for gladness; for even as he loves the arrow that flies, so he loves also the bow that is stable.

The Prophet

Later Gator!!!

2010-07-18T09:03:00.000-05:00

One of the big goals my family had for our South Carolina trip was to see a wild alligator. You may think this is a dumb goal, especially given the gator's reputation for eating small children and slow-witted adults (such as my husband), but it was a goal none the less. We did achieve that goal multiple times now, but not without a cost. Admission cost, that is.

Our first gator sighting plan was to hike out to marshes and lagoons. We did this over several days, logging a good 30 miles or so of trail hiking - but to no avail. We did, however, lose weight due to all that hiking under the EXTREEMLY HOT South Carolina sun - and we all slept really well in our tents under the EXTREEMLY HOT South Carolina moon.

Then we decided on a different approach. We went to the Hunting Island Visitor's Center because it was advertised that a female alligator was living in the Center's pond. We stood up on the poarch of the Visitor's Center and stared at the pond for 26 minutes, and then we finally spotted her:

I know it's not easy, but if you get out a magnifying glass and kind of squint your eyes and look on the shore under the tree, you will see her.

We were pretty excited, but not satisfied, so the next day we went to another venue boasting of alligators. We drove almost two hours to the historic Magnolia Plantation, paid for admission to the plantation and grounds, plus paid extra for entrance into The Swamp area which is preserved land maintained by the Audobon society (and where, incidentally, the 1940's classic movie, Swampthing, was filmed). Well, it was pretty damn hot that day (kind of a South Carolina theme), so, even though we had paid the $400 admission, we skipped the plantation and garden area, and went straight to the swamp in search of an alligator. We were rewarded - while my tired, sweaty, dirty family trudged up ahead of me, I noticed that one of the logs in the water had what looked, suspiciously, like eyes pearched right up on top. I called the boys back, and they all agreed the the log in question was actually alive. So, my idiot husband had the idea that if we proceeded to throw sticks and rocks in the general direction of the living log, it might just move. So he and 17 year old Steven did just that, and voila - the log began to swim, revealing a full sized alligator - plus another full size alligator a little further away. I thought that since we had annoyed this dangerous animal who had a strong enough jaw chock full of sharp teeth that it could easily kill and devour an adult deer or water buffalo - it might be time to mosey on down the path (but not until after I got a picture or two):

At that point we were satisfied. Our alligator hunting over, we moved on to other exciting quests, such as shopping. The next day was Steven's 18th birthday - and there is nothing that boy likes better than a mall. I discovered that Hilton Head island boasted having the largest outlet mall in south Carolina - so birthday shopping it was. We arrived at the mall - which was packed with cars (possibly due to the promise of air conditioning), and we parked along the outside of the lot near a small pond. At that point, my ever observant husband noticed some movement in the pond - and certain it was an otter, he dragged us all over to investigate. not an otter, though:

Right there, in the pond by the mall, was a young alligator - just smiling up at us like it was hoping we would toss it a McDonald's hamburger or something. but it did not get a hamburger from us that day. Four year old Marko, having learned from the example of his idiot father and big brother the day before, threw a rock at it - so we all jumped back into the car and moved to a different parking spot.

Truckin'

2010-06-27T22:01:00.000-05:00

Well, we have been driving for two days and have made it to Sooth Carolina. I must say that, as a result of being stuck in a van with four sons and a husband for hours at a time, there have been multiple moments when I have have closed my eyes and envisioned taking a vacation all by myself next year. There has been arguing, yelling, hitting, annoying, tattling, whining, throwing, crying, complaining and threatening. We even managed to lose Elijah's shoe somewhere in Tennessee (which means a trip to K-Mart in the morning).

Even worse than the car ride, though, is the arrival at the hotel. No matter how many times we tell them that people may be sleeping in their rooms, my boys run, screaming down the hallways. In spite of our insistence that the hotel room is a designated calm area, they jump from bed to bed, throw pillows at each other, wrestle, yell, hide in the closet, bang on the walls and slam the door. Within ten minutes of entering a hotel, my stress level is at an all time high.

However, both the towns of Lexington Kentucky and Asheville North Carolina have offered free, fun, awesome places where my kids could burn off their energy, and where I could re-connect with those loving feelings that made me want kids in the first place. What both towns have had are public fountains that people can play in.

Yesterday Lexington was HOT!!!! When we rode into town it was a sultry 93, and at 8:00 PM it had gotten down to a stifling 89. We bought ice cream and found a park where the kids could run around - but after a short time we were all feeling just plain hot, sticky and dirty. We decided to drive out to see some of the famous Kentucky Horse Stables - but we never got that far, because, as we were driving through town, we saw IT. The first thing to draw our attention were some absolutely beautiful horse sculptures:

But, it was what we saw behind the sculptures that was really exciting. There was a huge fountain, and the fountain was full of people! We immediately pulled over, and jumped right in. It was so cool and refreshing, and the sweltering Kentucky day was transformed into a beautiful, sultry Kentucky evening.

We played in the fountain until after dark, happy and laughing, then returned to the hotel for a good nights sleep.

Today we found a similar joy in Asheville. We went out for ice cream, and the shop owner said that there was a fountain downtown where kids could play. Since my husband and I were at the ends of our ropes, we hightailed it to the downtown area. And there, in a village green surrounded by mountains, were streams of water shooting out of the ground. The children rushed over and played, again, for hours.

So, not every moment of traveling with family has been beautiful and wonderful, but the joyful moments have made up for the miserable ones - tenfold. Tomorrow, its more driving (uuurg). But then we will reach our final destination - The Ocean. I expect that will make up for everything.

Packing - Gotta Love It

2010-06-25T21:32:00.001-05:00

All of my boys and I will soon be embarking on a two week camping/ road trip. It is going to be wonderful! We will travel between 4 and 6 hours a day over a three day period, finally arriving at Hunting Island South Carolina - where we will tent camp on the oceanfront for ten days. During our return trip, we plan to visit an old friend (which will take care of letter V on my things to do list), and then we will stop to see Mammoth Cave National Park.

It sounds so absolutely perfect, and I can't wait to get going - but it also requires quite a bit of preparation and packing, which I definitely despise. I have been working for days on making sure we have enough stuff to make our trip comfortable and enjoyable - but not so much that we will be surrounded by unnecessary clutter. I have been trying to remember every single necessary item so that we will not have to buy things during the trip, but keep the amount of luggage small so it can easily fit into our van. I have worked and worked on packing in a way that is complete without being overwhelming.

So I made, remade and revised my list of absolute necessities - then crossed off items that were not essential (such as Marko's Barrel Full Of Monkeys). This list making is what started my negative packing mood. Thinking about the potential need for each item on my list, and then prioritizing each object based on the possible number of times it would be used was making my brain hurt.

I then pulled out all of our camping gear so that I could inventory what we had, what still worked, and what needed to be replaced. Upon opening a bin that holds camping gear from past excursions, I quickly realized that things had been put away while still damp last year. The musty smell gave me a headache, and the extra work involved definitely increased my bad temper.

I then decided that I would need to fit everything into a certain number of bags and bins to make this whole loading the car thing go smoothly. This ended up causing additional problems because the final 'absolutely necessary' items on my list did not fit into my self imposed number of vessels - and it was back to the drawing board.

In retrospect, I admit that this next part may have been partially my fault. I was sick of packing and sick of thinking about packing. I was experiencing a general state of ill humor. I was replaying in my mind an 'anti-preparing for this trip' sentiment. My brain was pushing against my skull, my eyelids and forehead were sore from the furrowed, squinting expression on my face - my composure and patience were gone. Then, unfortunately for him, in walked my husband.

I came at him with both barrels loaded. I began listing all of the things I had packed - and he, sensing the danger of the situation, quietly nodded as I spoke. I, however, was already too far gone. I was looking for a fight - any fight - and that husband of mine is always the perfect target. Had he made a suggestion about some important item I was overlooking, I would have gone crazy on him - I would have accused him of being insensitive to all of the hard work I had done, and I would have told him that maybe next time he should do it all himself. But, he didn't make any suggestions - he kept his lips tightly sealed. Because of that, I went crazy on him. I said that I was simply trying to get some input about what important items I may have overlooked, and accused him of being insensitive to the fact that I was looking for some small bit of assistance. I told him that I had hoped for just an inkling of insight into his vast camping experience. I shook my head while complaining under my breath (but loud enough to be heard) that I would be better off taking this trip on my own.

Then something important happened. It was like an out of body experience - I saw myself yapping away, finding anything to whine about so that I could unload all of my packing related anger and frustration. I saw my husband standing there taking whatever I was dishing out because he has been through this before, and knows from experience that there is nothing to do but ride out the storm.

At that point I made a conscious decision to stop being a packing hater, and that decision changed everything. I halted my attacking and complaining, took a deep breath, and adjusted my view. Instead of seeing this trip preparation as annoying, pesky, bothersome, hateful work, I resolved to view it as an exciting challenge - as a gift to myself and my family while looking forward to a wonderful time together. I modified my attitude, smiled, and tossed Marko's Barrel Full Of Monkeys into the camping bin.

My husband was still looking worried and skittish for a while, waiting for me to blow my top again, but after some time of working side by side, he began to appear comfortable with the validity of my new attitude - and before I knew it we were smiling, laughing, packing, anticipating and planning together. Now, with the happy preparations coming to a close, I am feeling a close partnership and a familial joy at the beginning of this journey.

I'm not making any promises, but when I start feeling overcome by annoyance - I am going to try to remember to focus on working towards a wished-for goal, and approaching that work as a positive, desirable, enjoyable means for achieving my objective. I will also work on setting targets that will bring heightened happiness and peace into my life. It's all about attitude.

MEN!

2010-06-23T11:02:00.000-05:00

Now that it is summer, I have figured out that somewhere in between sitting and reading, writing, going to the pool and the beach, walking my dog, working on my garden and watching "So You Think You Can Dance," I can devote about 30 minutes a day to housework. I can hear your shock from here. You are amazed, wondering what my secret is, how I manage to keep my house clean and organized in only 30 minutes a day. Well, the secret is, I don't. My house is a mess.

In addition to that, there is quite a bit of work to be done on my bathroom. The eight people in my house share one bathroom - and there are two soft spots on the bathroom floor where the subfloor needs to be replaced. also, it is a very small bathroom, and the door swings in towards the toilet, making it seem even smaller. My idea was to turn the door around so that swings out of the bathroom, opening up the space, and to then patch and re-tile the floor.

about six weeks ago, with the best of intentions, my annoying and not-so-handy husband surprised me by beginning the work on out bathroom. He did two things - he removed the bathroom door and he put a piece of wood on top of the soft spots so that nobody would fall through and break their ankle. I was shocked and pleased by his effort, and excited to see the next step. Well, I am still excited to see the next step because we still have a piece of wood on the floor and we still have no door on our bathroom (which, at least, has made us a much closer family).

But this story gets better. My husband, who has a knack for overlooking messes and repair projects, invited actual people over to our house. I'm not talking about little boys who run around and tear things up anyway, and therefore appreciate the fact that they can't make the mess much worse than it already is - but actual adult people. I am also not talking about inviting them to come to the front door to pick up an envelope - I'm talking about actual adult people who would come into our house and socialize - and who might, at some point in the visit - need to use the bathroom. And my husband, bless his heart, doesn't see what the issue is.

O.K., so this fatal visit is scheduled to occur TODAY, and, surprise surprise, there is still no door on my bathroom, and my house, while progressing towards less than messy than usual, isn't there yet. Plus, my plan to entertain in the yard with iced tea, cookies and light jokes about the lack of repair skills on the part of my husband looks doubtful due to the torrential rainstorm occuring outside my window as I write. Oh well, the good news is, days like this always provide for good stories.

Better tag

2010-06-21T08:44:00.000-05:00

Horray for summer! Hooray for long days, glorious weather, and HAVING to be no place at no particular time.

When I was a kid, summers were spent swimming and playing at The Park Forest Aqua Center - and my children are following in that tradition. We lay around the house, lazy as can be, until noon - and then we head for the pool. It's great because my boys can just live in their swimming suits. They put them on for the first time a few weeks ago, and never took them off. Now they wear them to bed, in the shower, out to restaurants, everywhere - then they get up in the morning all ready for the pool. No more putting laundry away for me!!!!

Here's a treat for you. It's like a mini "How I Spent My Summer" slide show kind of thing:

Life just doesn't get much better than that! Plus, in my two first days of summer break, I have already managed to have some new ideas, new insights and accomplishments.

First of all - I accomplished something off of my ABC Things To Do Around Here This Summer list. S is for Sit in a Pool - and I did that!!!! I still need to get my photo proof - you see, my annoying, and electronically stunted husband, can't manage to point the camera in the direction of his subject and then push the button - so, I'll have to get someone else to take the picture for me. However, I don't need proof, I know in my heart that letter S is complete.

Now for the new idea. I have a new summer exercise - and it's awesome. POOL TAG! To all you boring, non-tag playing adults out there - you suck! Playing tag with kids is so much more fun and so much more satisfying - and playing it in a pool adds complexity and dimension to the game (plus, my extra weight and weak knees don't hold me back). I can out swim all those little kids!!! I am the tag queen!!! And what a workout!

Finally, the new insight. I have come up with a solution for a problem I know many of us face. With age comes the need to take vitamins on a daily basis, right? Well, with vitamins comes yellow urine, right? OK, so, nobody wants to get out of the pool in the middle of a hot game of tag - but there is the issue of the obvious yellow cloud in the water. Well - I have the answer. When you gotta go, grab some young child - any little kid will do. Hold them in front of you and act like you're playing with them. This way - when you pee, people will assume it's the kid - and nobody blames a little kid for peeing in the pool. GENIUS!!!!!

Well, guess I had better start another summer day. I'm considering a shower - I don't know, though. We'll see what the day brings.

Summer Break!!!!

2010-06-18T20:38:00.000-05:00

Oh Yeah! It's officially summer break!

So, the absolute best thing about being a teacher is summer break! (That is, other that the kids......That's for all the parents who might be offended that the best thing about being a teacher is summer break.) At exactly 3:07 this afternoon, my final day of professional development week ended, and my Summer break officially started. This was after I was honored as one of the four All Star Teacher's of this year, and forced to watch a training video in which I was featured, and in which I looked like a complete idiot! (I think I had better keep writing, because I clearly don't have a future in film).

Anyway - 3:07 rolled around, and I was outta there - I ran from the building, jumped into the air while clicking my heels together, and sat in traffic for two hours! But I am home now, and ready for 9 weeks of relaxation.

Last year I made a long summer to do list. Unfortunately, over the 9 week period, I only accomplished two things on my list: sleeping and reading. So, this year, it's a little bit different.

If you recall, I learned all about writing ABC books this week. Well, I have another one to share with you. My fellow teachers and I (Rosemary, Leslie, Monique, Brooke and Fat Lazy) completed an ABC list of things to do this summer in the Chicago area. We are all going to complete as many of these items as we can, take pictures as proof, and then share our results when the new school year begins. I can feel your anticipation - so I wont make you wait any longer. Here it is:

ABC New and Exciting Things We Can Do Around Here

Adventure to the female strip club

Beach bumming

Chicago tour bus

Date night downtown

Explore Chinatown

Fantasy night

Go to a museum

Have a romantic picnic

Invest in a ticket to the Willis Tower and stand on the edge

Jump into Lake Michigan

Kill time by taking a drive to St Louis

Lick Ice Cream

Make time for yourself

Never complain or be negative

Open minded

Plan a mini vacation

Quickly do something spontaneous

Really enjoy yourself

Sit in a pool

Take a nap

Understand your goals next year

Visit friends

Watch a concert

Xplore at the taste

Yell at someone who makes you mad

Zoo visit

That's it - my to do list for this summer. It's a hell of a lot better than cleaning out closets and organizing kitchen drawers!!!! I think it's going to be a good summer!!!!

What are you going to do?

Not Taking The Blame

2010-06-16T20:12:00.001-05:00

Today I got blamed for something I did not do. It was quite shocking, because, not only did I not do the thing I was being blamed for (or, to be more exact, I got blamed for not doing something as completely as it could have been done, and for purposely missing a particular detail), on the contrary, I worked hard on trying to do something right and to do it well. This was a thing I was not paid to for or a thing that I was in any way required to do - it was something extra I was doing to help out a friend. Alas, instead of thanks, I was blamed for purposely messing things up and undermining the very task that I sacrificed my time to help out with.

In the past, I would have been so very upset by this, and I would have tried to prove that I had intended malice by offering additional help and additional time. Today, though, I decided to let it go (I guess I'm not letting it go very well, since I'm still going on and on about it - but I just have to vent a little bit here).

Honestly, though, I realized that nothing I could say or do would change this person's view - so in the end, I just said 'O.K.' I guess that, sometimes, 'O.K.' is all a person can say - and then just move forward.

So, now I am home. I am going to concentrate on myself and on my family (as soon as I finish writing this), and be comfortable with the knowledge that I did what I could for a person that I care about. Unfortunately, that person does not see it that way - but that's just going to have to be their problem. Nothing more I can say or do.

Hope this all made a little bit of sense today. I'm trying to protect the innocent (and not so innocent) by not disclosing too many details - but I think the idea of caring for self and family in the face of adversity is somewhat universal - and can be applied to many situations and scenarios.

I hate having somebody think these negative thoughts about me. I hate that this person now has a poor opinion of me. But, hey, I guess there's nothing I can do about that. Oh well.

On a more positive note - I tried tag again. I was at a training with all certified teachers, and tag actually worked (until somebody tagged the waitress - and that was the end of it). So, I have two theories:

There is a direct correlation between a person's educational achievement and their ability to be childlike and play games.
Only people crazy enough to choose to be Preschool Teachers are crazy enough to play tag in public.

It's got to be one or the other.

Have a great night, and hopefully I'll have a more fun topic and make more sense tomorrow.

Abc for Adults

2010-06-15T19:06:00.001-05:00

So, today, (and all this week, in fact), my fellow teachers and I attended professional development training. Well, it started out OK. The subject of the training was alphabet books, and an author who has written something like 55 alphabet books was the speaker. So, in the beginning, at 8:30 this morning, it was extremely interesting, and looked promising. But, by 2:00, and when the author had finished reading us his 45th alphabet books, my eyes were crossing, my head was drooping and my stomach was growling.
Luckily, my fellow teacher, Rosemary, and I found a way to pass the time. We took turns and came up with our own alphabet books. We wrote ABC Chicago, ABC Lunch, ABC Weird Things People Do, ABC Positions (but Rosemary crumbled that one up and threw it away for some reason. I meant, like, baseball and soccer positions. What a DIRTY MIND!), and ABC Cocktails. However, by far, our best ABC book was ABC Things We'd Rather Be Doing Right Now. Here's what we came up with:

ABC Things We'd Rather Be Doing Right Now

Artfully Drinking
Bowling
Cooking dinner
Drinking
Eating TCBY
Farting by myself
Giving Corey a BJ (whatever that's supposed to mean)
Hanging around Ginger
Ignoring my husband
Jumping Jacks (and I hate Jumping Jacks)
Killing innocent kittens
Lying on the beach
Moving furniture
Nudging angry Polar Bears
Opening mail
Painting your toes
Quilting
Running from a mugger
Shitting
Teaching Corey to floss
Using my Target gift card
Visiting prisons
Watching "Say Yes To The dress"
X-Raying fruit flies
Yelling at my imaginary friend
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Well, what do you think? Pretty great, huh? All we need now is an illustrator. We will be published in no time - then next year, we can speak at the training!!!!!

Teenage drama

2010-06-14T18:24:00.001-05:00

It is amazing how fast a person can go from a healthy eating, active lifestyle to laying around eating anything and everything that is no longer breathing. Take me, for instance, one bit of stressful news and I find myself eating from one end of the kitchen to the other - stuffing anything I can find into my mouth - including the kitchen sink.

For those of you who have raised children, my reason for going from conscientious, thoughtful, healthy, inspiring blogger on a path of enlightenment and growth to a hunched,mindless, drooling, ogreish eating machine, can be explained in one simple word: TEENAGER

Ah, the drama of the teenager - drama that has caused many a parent to turn to food, alcohol or prescription medication.

Anyway - I have decided to come up for a breather from the kiddie tub filled with jello. I have decided to pull my fists out of the bags of BBQ potato chips. I have decided to remove my Drink Beer Hat from my head. It is time to examine what has happened, regroup, and restart.

First of all, while most people will agree that a teenager can push any parent over the edge - it is probably not really a good enough reason to give up on all of the progress I have made over the past few months. In retrospect, I don't think my eating was so much a way to numb my feelings as a sudden lack of caring about myself. As soon as some outside factor took my focus away from me, none of my healthy changes mattered anymore. I guess I haven't arrived yet - I still need to find a balance.

I need to let go a little bit, and work on myself in spite of the thoughts and actions of my loved ones (no matter how insane or inane those thoughts and actions might be). I need to find a way to love and care without letting those feelings steal all of my focus and concentration. My son has chosen a path, and even if I don't agree with that path, it is his decision to make. His decision, however, cannot become my excuse for altering my own chosen path. I need to renew my dedication to myself and work at letting nothing - not even teenage drama - get in the way.

So, I am starting over. Beginning now.

Mango cream

2010-06-14T12:34:00.000-05:00

The other eveining I was sitting at home with my kids, and I had a taste for a cone cottage frozen yogurt/ berry italian ice. I wanted it really bad, but I didn't get it for three reasons:

I didn't really ahve any money
I didn't really feel like getting all my kids ready to go and like taking them to the icecream shop
My husban was at work, and so I couldn't send him to Cone Cottage for me.

Still, even though I knew I wasn't going out for my delicious, cool and refreshing treat, I still wanted it. I then went through my refrigerator and cabinets, and found the ingredients fo Mango Creme. It had been a while, but, let me tell you, it is soooo simple, and just as tasty as frozen yogurt/ berry italian ice.

Here's the recipe:

1 can Mango Pulp (from an Indian or ethnic grocery store)
1 large container fat free cool whip
1 large container fat free vanilla yogurt (optional)

Mix all ingredients together in a blender, or using a hand blender and put in freezer.

Eat when partially frozen.

I highly recomment this Mango Creme - it is super super delicious, kinda nutritious, and it easily replaces other frozen treats. Enjoy.

10 Things A Day

2010-06-10T13:27:00.000-05:00

So - I am learning that just as people can hide behind fat, they can hide behind stuff, clutter, and mess. I think I might be in danger of being one of those people. I have a very small house with very little storage, and there is definitely more stuff than places to put stuff - therefore, it tends to be quite messy and cluttered (understatement).

I have decided it is time to dig (literally) my way out from underneath all this stuff so that it wont keep bogging me down. I am beginning to believe that by lightening up, (in more ways than one) I will feel liberated, airy and luminescent. How awesome is that?

I have chosen two techniques that promise to help ease the transition from burried in clutter to lightened up and free. These are two techniques that, I think, will help to make the process less overwhelming and traumatic than trying to tackle the whole thing at one time.

Ten Things a Day

The first technique I made up all by myself (impressive, huh?) I like to call it Ten Things a Day. It is really quite simple. Each day I get rid of ten things. It can be junk mail, spoiled food, FAT CLOTHES, toys nobody cares about, anything belonging to my husband etc. I can throw it away, give it away, or toss it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. It doesn't matter, as long as I am minus 10 items by the end of the day. When I came up with the idea, my thought process was that I would continue with the ten things a day until I ran out of things to toss.

Pretty great plan, right? There is only one hitch. I have been doing this for about eight months now, and I still have no problem coming up with ten things a day - so I'm not sure exactly how long this process will take. The other issue is that while I keep getting rid of stuff, more stuff keeps coming in. Between my four kids and myself I think we probably bring in about fourteen things a day - which seems to somehow defeat the purpose. (I should mention here that my husbad does not bring in or hold onto anything. He could easily live out of the trunk of his car and have all of his stuff with him.)

There are certain things that I have not been able to bring myself to get rid of yet:

Shoes (while my husband and sons have two pairs each, one for warm weather and one for cold, I have, maybe 50 or so. Even though I only wear certain pairs all the time, I haven't been able to make myself get rid of the rest - they're just soooo cute!)
Pets (We probably definitely have too many - 1 dog, 4 cats, 5 frogs, 1 lizard and 1 hermit crab. But, what's a person to do?)
Dresses (I have a large selection of mxi dresses, and I don't want to part with any of them)
Skinny clothes (Somehow these keep my hope alive)
Anything in our nasty closet (talk about overwhelming)
Craft supplies (again, soooooo cute, and sure to have some purpose in the future.)
Tupperware (you can never have too much tupperware, right?)
Baby blankets (No babies left, but how could I get rid of their blankets?)
Magnets (I simply have a thing for magnets)

So, maybe I still have a long way to go - but imagine what it would be like if I didn't get rid of ten things a day.

The One Minute Rule

I didn't come up with this one, but it does seem like a pretty good idea to me. This rule is that, if there is any household job to do that takes one minute or less, just do it. No procrastinating. It will all be over in a minute.

This rule reminded me of when I was a kid. It was my job to empty the dishwasher and put the dishes away. I HATED it. I whined and complained for hours before I finally had to give in and do it (or suffer no dessert after dinner!)

One day, however, I paid attention to the clock, and I had those dishes put away in 45 seconds flat. I realized then that I was better off just getting it over with.

It's amazing how, with a little imagination, we can take a small task and turn it into a monsterous job. Here are a few jobs that I have found take less than one minute:

Putting underware in the underware drawer
Wiping sinks and counter tops
Closing cabinets and drawers
Feeding pets
Dusting TV and Computer
Wiping up spills
Clearing dishes from the table
Wiping a shelf in the refrigerator
Throwing toys into the toybox
Throwing dirty clothes into the hamper

I can do all of the above in less than 10 minutes, and it actually makes an impact on the appearance of my house. Oh, and I forgot one - it takes less than a minute to get rid of ten things a day.

I believe that if I resolve to employ the above two techniques, my house will be improved by the end of summer.

Tag Update

Finally, what you've all been waiting for - the tag update!!!!

I did it - I tagged several people at work, and while I had visions of an ongoing, school-wide tag game, it didn't actually happen that way. A few people went on to tag someone else - but most people were just confused - even after I told them we were playing tag. They looked at me like I was weird, and returned to whatever it was they had been doing - like they didn't mind being 'it' forever. So, it is not so easy to start an adult tag game after all. but, I wont let this stop me!!!! I will continue on my mission to begin a world-wide tag game!!!! I will persist!!!!

Keep coming back for more adult tag news.

As If

2010-06-08T07:50:00.000-05:00

Another idea born from the work of Geneen Roth:

Think about the person you really want to be. In those moments when you think that you are somehow lacking, what is it, what traits or talents do you imagine would make you whole?

Is it a better body, a prettier face, more energy, less stress, a job you love, a better relationship or a talent?

Well - when you have a good solid idea of the person you want to be, start living "as if" you were that person. Tell yourself that you are capable of being the person you picture when you imagine the BEST you, and then start to think and act "as if" you were that person. Fake it until you make it, as they say. Whenever those thoughts come - telling you that you should be more, better, different - remind yourself that you already are all of those things, and live "as if" you believe it. If you do this long enough, you really will start to believe it - and you wont need "as if" anymore. When you reach that point, the "as if" will be replaced by "I am"

So - here is my "as if" list:

I will live "as if" I were a bungee cord jumper, spelunker, mountain climber and motorcycle rider.
I will live "as if" I were fearless.
I will live "as if" I were confident.
I will live "as if" I were able to find joy in all aspects of my life
I will live "as if" I were organized and "as if" my house were neat and clean (that one is a long shot).
I will live "as if" my fat jeans were my skinny jeans.
I will live "as if" I were a farmer (and not just on farmville).
I will live "as if" I were outgoing.
I will live "as if" I laughed a lot.
I will live "as if" I were creative, and able to make beautiful things.
I will live "as if" I never let the opinions or attitudes of others bother me.
I will live "as if" I loved healthy food.
I will live "as if" I enjoyed exercise and being in shape.
I will live "as if" I loved my body.
I will live "as if" I had boundless energy.
I will live "as if" I were not embarrassed about my appearance or myself.
I will live "as if" I were passionate.
I will live "as if" I looked GOOD in my bathing suit.
I will live "as if" I looked GOOD in anything.
I will live "as if" I were handy at home repairs (somebody needs to be, right?)
I will live "as if" I loved my annoying husband with all of my heart.
I will live "as if" I found my annoying husband's annoying traits endearing.
I will live "as if" I were financially stable.
I will live "as if" I enjoyed parties.
I will live "as if" I loved to dance.
I will live "as if" I didn't make stupid faces whenever having my picture taken.
I will live "as if" I were able to accomplish what ever I set out to do.
And naturally, I will live "as if" I were tall, thin and gorgeous.

Well, that's a start. Make your own "as if" list, and start treating yourself "as if" you are the person you sometimes wish you could be. I would love it if you would share your list with me.

Tag

2010-06-07T20:06:00.000-05:00

"Just go up to somebody on the street and say "you're it" and just run away". Ellen Degeneres

Have you ever watched groups of kids playing at a park? Or, do you remember being a kid playing at a park? Well, it's really a pretty amazing thing. Kids love to play. It doesn't matter who is around or who might be looking or what other people might think - they just play for the love of playing.

Besides this, they will play with anyone. They are not concerned with appearance, race, socioeconomic status, political views, language, culture, sex, age, clothing or weight. There can be a group of kids who have never met each other before, and all it takes is for one to say "One Two Three - Not It!" and the game is on. They will run, tag, make and alter rules, and play happily together for hours. They will play until dark, until they are called home by their parents. They may or may not ask for each other's names - but they consider each other friends - and are outwardly happy to see one another at the park time and time again. Tag is like an unofficial language of childhood - it is played and understood by children all over the world.

This phenomenon makes me wonder why we willingly change. Why does such easy playful joy disappear from so many people as they grow older? Why do we stop playing a game that gives us a joyful connection to others? At what point does a person change from living with such boundless, uninhibited, uncomplicated happiness. Happiness simply to be alive and to be able to run and move and play - enjoying the company of other people without restraint - without feeling self-conscious, judgmental, or troubled? Why do so many humans seem to lose their ability to befriend other humans without reservation - without over-analyzing? And, when do people develop a sense of jealousy and of desperation? I have seen kids play for hours - not knowing or being particularly concerned with whether or not they will ever see each other again. Children live in the joy of the moment, unconcerned with how their playmates will treat them tomorrow - untroubled by thoughts of whether or not the other players will call them on the phone, or whether or not the other person has real feelings for them.

I imagine the shift takes place somewhere around puberty - a time when children experience changes that can be, at the same time, both exciting and embarrassing. I remember puberty as being a time of wanting and enjoying friends, but also as a time of new self-awareness and uncertainty - a new concern with the judgement and comments of others. I think puberty might be a time when many children actually lose the best part of childhood - because it is the time when they become concerned about the sentiments of others, a time of over-concern over looking immature or uncool.

But now, with puberty being about five (or so) years behind me - I am beginning to recognize the wisdom of children. I am beginning to realize that happiness comes from living life without concern for the opinions of others. I am beginning to understand that by doing what brings joy in any given moment, ones spirit lightens and begins to soar. If I could have one wish for my children, it would be that they could hold on to the joy of childish play without worrying about the views of others.

So, what would happen if I went up to a stranger, or a co-worker, or a friend or family member and simply did as children do - I tagged them, announcing "You're It!" Would I be met with resistance, would I be considered certifiable, would people turn away from me, or would a wonderful game begin? Well, I, for one, am interested in finding out. I plan on testing it out tomorrow at work. I am going to start a few games of tag just to see how people react. I will let you know what kinds of responses I get - and if you decide to shed some of those layers of boring grown-upedness, and try it out, too, please let me know what happens for you. Imagine a world-wide, no-boundaries game of tag - that could solve all sorts of problems.

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe,

Catch a tiger by the toe.

If he hollers let him go,

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe.

My mother says to pick the very best one,

And YOU are IT!CAN'T CATCH ME!!!!

Happy to Lose?

2010-06-05T21:19:00.000-05:00

I was doing a little reading today, and I came across this very strange, extremely foreign idea. I don't know if this one really sits well with me, but you can judge for yourself. Here's the idea - people should be happy about failure. People should appreciate losing. The reason for this, as the idea goes, is that through failure and loss, we actually improve our ability to do the things at which we failed. The idea is that we learn through attempting and failing but still persisting.

I guess the idea is good, but here's the thing. I actually really really like to win, and I really rally really hate hate hate to lose. In fact, friends have told me that I can be a little embarrassing during games because I get kind of worked up and overly competitive. I am a sore loser, and no one has ever complimented my sportsmanship.

To give you an idea of my competitive side, I'll tell you a little story. Last summer I started swimming laps at the pool. I swam competitively throughout my childhood and teenage years, so swimming laps still came pretty easily. Anyway, I was swimming and feeling good because I was passing up everyone else in the pool. Then I started bragging about how I, even though I was fat and out of shape, was still the fastest swimmer at the Aqua Center. I was all worked up and loudly boasting until it was pointed out that no other person in the pool was under the age of 75. So, I shot my signature "you are such an idiot" look at moron who had uttered that statement, and explained that age doesn't mean anything - competitive swimming is all about skill, and it is timeless. But then, secretly, I looked back at the lap pool, and noticed tat is was, in fact, full of little old ladies slowly making their way across the pool while holding on to those floatie pool noodle things. (But I still kicked all their butts with my freestyle).

Another example is a family night I recently attended with my teenage son. The activity of the evening was a parents versus kids jeopardy game. Apparently, most of the adults running this program, as well as the other parents, were kind of rooting for letting the kids win - thus improving their self esteem. I didn't get that right away, though - and I was getting more and more agitated by the other parents and by the facilitators of the game - because I wanted to win. I was becoming loud and confrontational because I felt the game was rigged, and that unfairness was keeping my team from ultimate victory. Finally, my mother, who was also attending family night, politely told me to shut up. I then sat and pouted until, inevitably, the kids team won. Even though I now understand that the kids winning was the original plan, I still don't think it was fair, and I still think that I, in a fair game, definitely would have won. Maybe I should demand a rematch.

Losing just doesn't sit well with me - the desire to win kind of takes over my sense of composure and lowers my inhibitions. On the same note, I do not like doing things that I am not good at. I like the feeling of being competent and knowledgeable (and I secretly enjoy being better at things than those around me).

But - when I think about it, this competitiveness and desire to feel highly skilled - has in some ways held me back. For instance, I never learned to play chess because my brother and father were very good at it, and I didn't like losing all the time - so I simply refused to play. I don't like to do any exercise that I'm not good at because I don't like doing things I'm not good at, so I avoid most forms of exercise. I hate to admit that I don't know about a particular subject - so I would rather act disinterested than act ignorant. Most of all, I hate to be wrong - especially when it comes to my annoying husband - and have been known to insist I am right even when all evidence indicates the opposite to be true. (Like the time I had argued that the weather was just fine for the zoo - and even as we drove through a torrential storm with high speed winds and hail the size of golf balls, I still demanded we keep going. Then, when everyone was all wet and cold and miserable, walking along with their heads hanging down, and water sloshing out of their shoes, I kept saying how much fun it was to be there, together, as a family, on this freezing, stormy, gloomy day).

So, maybe there is something to this whole being happy with failure thing. I suppose, if I really think about it honestly, the only way to get good at something is to keep doing it even when you're not good at it. Like, when my first son was born, I was not good at changing diapers. In the beginning I managed to get poop everywhere, including the baby's feet - and I was peed on more times than you could imagine - needless to say, there was a lot of laundry to be done. But, I kept changing diapers, and, eventually, I got very good at it. By son number four I was a pro - I bet I could win any diaper changing contest for sure!!! (I'll have to find out if there are diaper changing contests and borrow somebodies baby - THE GLORY WILL BE MINE!!!)

I guess I could test this idea out and see if it improves my outlook and my life. I'll just decide on one activity that I know nothing about, but would like very much to be good at. I will do this thing, and even when it is difficult, and even when I fail, I will persist - we'll see if I can improve over time, and find out how it feels to fail, but to learn in the failing. I should probably start with something small, though, to avoid too much frustration in the beginning.

There is one thing I have always wanted, but have always been to embarrassed to admit to my interest: Fire Eating - that shouldn't be too hard for my initial experiment. Now, where did I put those matches?

What's Really Important

2010-06-04T17:33:00.000-05:00

I was thinking it over, and I realized that most of the time I just keep going on about me me me me me and me. Then I was thinking that maybe I should talk about something else. So - I thought and thought some more - and just couldn't come up with a more interesting or exciting subject. So - more about me - YEAH!!!!

I am a preschool teacher - it is not a job that I planned on doing - it is not something I aspired to - it is simply the place where the various paths of my life have led me. To be honest, I was never the kind of kid who loved babies, or the kind of teenager who liked kids. Still, I ended up working with young children, and have, for reasons that are sometimes unclear (like when a four year old boy punched me in the nose so hard that I was seeing stars), continued working with young children for almost 18 years now.

Maybe because teaching preschool was not what I dreamed of growing up - maybe because society doesn't place much value on preschool teachers - I, while enjoying what I do, have never viewed it as something of great value or consequence - like a doctor who is saving starving African orphans, or a marine biologist who is cleaning the spilled oil off of endangered sea lions.

Still, my recent work on improved self confidence and improved self image has made me consider my work in a different light.

There wouldn't be such a huge market for self help books, clocks that emit tranquil sounds of nature, medications for emotional disorders, or shoes that simulate barefootedness if there weren't so many people who feel like they need those things to fix their shattered selves. And from where do all of these messed up people's problems stem? You know the answer - from their messed up childhood!. From those incidents that left them feeling stupid, ugly and worthless. Those feelings begin in childhood, and then it takes 30 years for people to realize that maybe, just maybe, they were actually OK from the very beginning.

I have believed for a long time that the most important indicator of success in a child is confidence and they're belief in their own ability to learn and accomplish. Over the past few years, as the push to make the preschool years more academic (now with report cards and letter grades A through F if you can believe it - I mean, how are you going to give a three year old an F in reading?), my basic belief has been shaken a bit. With the push to have children reach higher academic standards at a younger and younger age - the focus becomes more about having young children memorize what they are expected to know and less about bolstering self esteem and valuing creativity and thinking skills.

But just imagine a generation of children who believe in themselves, love themselves, and who have the thinking skills necessary to solve world problems and create innovative ways of accomplishing needed goals. Imagine children who, instead of feeling frustrated or stupid when they cannot memorize things quickly, are made to feel that they are capable, intelligent and worthy no matter what skill level, they have achieved. Children who are allowed to feel they each and every one of them, can learn and will understand in their own time. Children whose accomplishments in all areas are celebrated on their individual time schedules.

I am now beginning to think that I have a very important and worthwhile job. I have the opportunity to help make sure that the young children in my care are happy, confident, self assured, positive people who enjoy their life and who feel good about their abilities. That's the way it should be, you know?

If every adult took on the mission of ensuring the happiness and feelings of worthiness of every child, the self-help gurus would probably go out of business, but imagine what a wonderful place our future world would be.

When I'm Thin

2010-06-03T17:16:00.023-05:00

As EVERYONE knows, I am attempting to lose a little weight (or a lot of weight - kind of depends on your perspective). Anyway - when setting any type of goal, it is important to have a clear vision of how achieving said goal will improve your overall situation. In that way, it is easier to stay motivated - even in the face of obstacles and difficulties. Whether the goal is to get a better job, own a villa in France, learn how to swallow fire, or have your disgustingly unsightly varicose veins removed - having a well-defined mental depiction of the changes this goal will bring to your life is an imperative ingredient for success.

With all of that in mind - I have decided to list all of the things I will do differently in my life once I achieve thinness.

1. I will wear some of those tight flare jeans with the holes in them and the low slung waist that sits just above the butt crack (or, sometimes, just below) - You know the ones you see all the skanky high school girls wearing. I mean, who cares if I'm middle aged - when you're hot you've got to flaunt it!!!

2. I will buy a dress that does not flow all the way down to my ankles. Currently, I dress like a woman out of the 1800's - as if showing any minor amount of skin were obscene and indecent. But, when I am thin - it will be all about skin!

3. I will take up wall climbing. I tried this not too long ago, but trying to heft all of the extra weight up onto those little sticky-outie thingies is definitely not easy to do. When I am lighter, however, I will fly up that wall.

4. I will ride "Batman" at Great America. You see, before you get on Batman, you have to sit in one of the roller coaster seats to make sure you fit. If you don't fit - you don't ride. This time, though, I wont even have to check - I'll just get right in line.

5. I will ask the super hot UPS man out on a date. I probably wont actually go - it might upset my family if I do. But still, when I'm thin I will get up the nerve to ask. I don't think I'll break his heart too too bad because he looks like he gets plenty of dates (but I'll always be the one he lost - poor guy).

6. I will wear my swimming suit - without a dress to my ankles - in front of people I know and like. I do wear it openly now - as long as we go to some obscure beach two states over - but never, ever, in front of people whose opinion of me matters.

7. I will take up running. Right now, if I run, I lose the ability to use my knees for several days. I'm thinking this might be weight related - so when I'm thin - it should be no problem.

8. I will wear shorts that do not follow the "must be past your fingertips" rule. You know - the warm weather dress code from Jr. High? Well - when I am thin - I'm planning to show the world ALL 33 inches of these limbs.

9. I'm going to sleep 100% nekkid. There are two reasons I wear pajamas. The first is that I can't stand the way it feels when my thighs rub together. The other is that I don't want all the males in my house to see me in my birthday suit. When I achieve thinness - all that stuff that rubs between my thighs will be gone - so it wont bother me anymore. As far as all of the males in my house - here's how I see it: having them see a fat naked mommy is pretty gross, and possibly traumatic - but once I am thin, it will be like exposing them to a great work of art. That's called being cultured.

10. I am going to post an un-photoshopped picture of myself, scantily dressed, wet from swimming in the ocean, with sand sticking to my tanned smooth skin, right here on this blog!!! Aren't you excited? Now you have something to look forward to!!!!

Well, Geneen Roth says that all those things you are planning to do once you lose weight - you should go ahead and do right now. She says that you should love yourself just the way you are, and should never feel that weight is a valid reason to avoid being who you want to be and doing what you want to do. If you can't love yourself and feel confident fat - you wont love yourself and feel confident thin either.

So - here's the healthy change of the week. Whenever the thought enters my head that I am not going to do something because of my weight - I am going to cancel that thought right out. I am strong and beautiful at any size - and NOTHING can hold me back from living the life I deserve to live!!!!

So - where to start? Should I order a package and wait for the UPS guy? Should I go to the pool cover-up free? Should I jog around the track? Should I slip between the sheets in my birthday suit?

No - none of those. I think, instead, to reward you, my loyal readers, for sticking by me - I will go right now and start searching for a photographer who specializes in "tastefully sexy" photos. Keep watching out for it - It's going to be awesome!

An Open Heart

2010-06-02T07:47:00.000-05:00

Well - it is extremely early in the morning - but, I am not, I repeat, not just waking up - I have actually been awake ALL STINKING NIGHT. Once again, the person to blame for this is author Geneen Roth. You will be happy to know, however, that I am not still reading Women Food and God. It was yet another Geneen Roth book, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, that kept me from my precious sleep. I also went through an entire package of highlighters (you thought I was going to say cookies, didn't you?). Honestly, though, there were only two words in the book that I didn't highlight - and and the - and I only skipped those because I was beginning to think it was a little weird to highlight an entire book. so, my question to Geneen is - exactly how long have you had hidden cameras in my home and refrigerator - and who do you have to know to get your hands on that technology that can read my mind and my feelings? You know Geneen, I know that a person of my stature can seem imposing, but I really would have been happy to give an interview - it would have been much simpler.

All kidding aside, the ideas, stories and guidance of this book have opened up a part of me that has been so deeply buried - so completely latent - for so many years - that I thought it didn't exist anymore. But, during my all night reading session (which is, incidentally, something else I thought I was no longer capable of), I realized that that part of me not only exists - but it is longing to be unearthed so that it can sing out with joy.

I, like most people, have experienced emotional pain in my life. And I, like many people, have become self protective as a result of past hurts. While reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating last night I remembered a younger time when I gave love joyfully, fully and freely. Unfortunately, in opening up my heart so fully, having it broken was a devastation that caused me to, mostly, close it off. Even more unfortunately, when I shut away my willingness to love completely and unabashedly - I also shut away my exuberance, my joy and my zest.

But thank you, once again, to Geneen Roth. I now believe that all hope is not lost. I had a couple of other realizations during the wee hours of the morning - and, yes, lucky readers, I am going to share them with you.

The first one is this: You know my tremendously annoying husband? I guess he's not actually all that bad. One big reason is this - he has known me at every weight possible for my body - and not only has he never complained - he never appeared to notice. Seriously, whether I am at my thinnest or at my mu-mu wearing fattest, he has looked at me with that same sappy, goofy puppy dog eyes - which are brimming with love. Additionally - I absolutely know for certain that that man - even though he will irritate me every day for the rest of my life - will never break my heart. Therefore, I really have no reason to protect it anymore.

So, while lying awake in bed all night, reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, I actually felt the physical sensation of my chest opening up - freeing my long dormant ability to love fully, freely and unconditionally. I felt more and more like a young girl with her first love - only this time the risk of rejection is non-existent. As the sun rose, I was ready to love my husband and my children with an open, confident, and complete heart.

On top of it all, reading this book helped me to see how my fat laziness is connected to past hurts and longing for self protection. Geneen Roth - you are something else. I think I still have a ways to go - but thank you for the beacon to help me on my way. I will probably be exhausted at work today - but it was well worth it.

.

Blogger's Block

2010-06-01T22:11:00.000-05:00

BEST BLOG YET!

(SO, WHAT SHOULD I WRITE ABOUT?)

Yep - it's true. I have bloggers block. I've had it all day long. You see, this morning I made a to-do list of all the things I wanted to accomplish before bed. 'Blog' is one of the items on that there list. Throughout the day, I have returned to the list, chosen my next task, and consistently passed up 'Blog.' I simply haven't had any brilliant sparks to ignite my next blog.

But now, the day is coming to a close, and the list is coming to an end. It has come down to two items. I was about to skip over 'Blog' once again - but then I considered my other option........... The ugly, horrifying, monsterous, humongous pile of clean laundry just waiting to be sorted and put away. So - here I am - blogging without a plan - without an inspiration - without a concrete idea.

I did have a few beginnings - but none of them seemed to be going anywhere. However, since I have nothing else to say - and for the purpose of filling up space - I will now share some of today's rejected blog brainchildren with you (aren't you the lucky one).

BLOG BEGINNINGS:

DESTINED TO FAIL

1. I have four children, and, therefore do not often have the opportunity to spend time alone with the youngest. Today I had the chance to do just that - and it turns out he's actually pretty nice. Who knew?

2. The craziest thing happened today - it was completely warm and sunny - then, suddenly, out of the blue sky (literally), it started POURING and HAILING - you know, like chunks of ice from the sky! Just as suddenly, the sun was shining and the sky was a beautiful clear blue. FREAKY!!!!

3. I read this article about how, when people at work treat you like garbage and make you feel like krap, you should reach out to them in friendship and mentally send them love and peace. Why? Because they are probably dealing with problems in their life that have nothing to do with you, and that you cannot begin to imagine. Well, I don't know about all that. I have worked way too long on perfecting my eye-roll, my 'talk to the hand' posture, my 'who do you think you are?' head tilt, and my overall 'you are such an idiot' expression to give it up just like that.

4. You are about to feel sorry for me when you read this! You know my annoying husband? Listen to what he does. Every single day he takes the dirty clothes out of all of the hampers, and off of the floor, the chair, the couch, and the refrigerator. He then washes them, dries them, and folds them. Sounds nice, huh? Well, here's the kicker. He takes all of those clean folded clothes and puts them on top of the dresser. He doesn't sort. He doesn't deliver to the proper bedroom. He doesn't put away. All of that is, apparently, supposed to be my job. So here I sit, forced to stare at this ever-growing pile of clean clothes. On top of that, in the morning when one of these kids has no pants, it's me that has to dig through the ridiculously large pile so they don't have to go to school in their underwear (that is, if they had any underwear in their dresser). It's inhumane, that's what it is.

I don't know. I tried, I really did - but none of those topics were going anywhere. I just wasn't feeling it today. I even went so far as to type 'Blog Topics' into my search engine. There are a few people who have actually created and shared lists of blog topics for people to use - but they must have kept all of the good ideas for themselves because I didn't see one thing that got me going. Here are some examples of what I found:

IDEAS TO GET PEOPLE BLOGGING

(YEAH, RIGHT)

1. What challenges are my potential customers facing. Do I have any advice for them?

Well - I don't know that I actually have any potential customers. The only people who might qualify are three years old and they can't read - so they don't tend to follow my blog. Anyway, my advice to them is to put their toys away at clean up time and keep their hands to themselves so they can avoid having a time-out.

2. What bugs me? Can I write about another way to approach it?

There are so many things that bug me that listing them would simply take up way too much time and space. The best approach would be for people to stop being so dimwitted and annoying all the time.

3. How do I _________________?

What? How do I, what? What does that even mean? I can't imagine I'd be able to put together two sentences about how I _______________. I don't think I ever have ________________ed. Whatever.

4. Will American Idol be the same without Simon?

Ummmmm, no....... Blog Over.

CONCLUSION

All right, well, hopefully I will be back to my normal, brilliant, amazing, divine, awe-inspiring self tomorrow. Just in case, though, if you have any thoughts rolling around in your head that you always wished somebody would blog about - send them my way. I will try to do them justice. And here's the good news , we are communicating through computer, right? So, when I read your ideas, you wont even see my 'you are such an idiot' expression! Brilliant, right?

Oh well..... I have one last decision to make for today. Will it be Bed or will it be Humongous pile of clean clothes? Hmmm..............I think - Bed. Good night.

My Secret Garden

2010-06-01T00:44:00.000-05:00

After a good deal of work (and some help from a friend), I finally cleared a path through my weeds leading to a small area of my yard surrounded on one side by the back of my shed and on two sides by the ten foot wooden fence we put up several years ago when we weren't getting along with our neighbor (God rest her soul). Now, you can walk through the tall weeds into this hidden, sunny, spot, which, today, I transformed into my secret vegetable garden.

I know what you are probably thinking right now. "Did she say secret vegetable garden? Secret gardens are supposed to have beautiful, fragrant flowers, a calming fountain, a sculpture create from balanced stones, a large quartz crystal and a meditation corner. What kind of nut would put all that work into creating a secret garden, and then fill it with vegetable plants?" Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I am that nut.

I do love fragrant flowers, and I find them peaceful and relaxing - but I have a bit of a passion for growing vegetables, herbs and fruits. There are a few reasons for this.

The first reason is that I find a great deal of pleasure in the act of going out into my garden and picking the vegetables and herbs that I will use in creating a meal. It gives me a feeling of connectedness to the food, and of pride in knowing that these items that I planted, cared for and grew are now providing a delicious sustaining nutritious meal for myself, my family and my friends. Also, produce that has been picked moments before serving is so much more delicious than produce purchased at a store.

Secondly, I find these food plants to be quite amazing. Even though I am getting older now, these life giving plants still astonish me. Think about it - lets say you go to the store and buy one green bell pepper. If you keep all of the seeds from that pepper, you will be able to start fifty to one hundred new pepper plants. If each of those plants only produces five peppers - you still will have so many peppers that you will not be able to find enough people to feed. Or think of an apple - one apple can give you eight apple trees - which will then feed you apples for the rest of your life. I find it quite astonishing to consider how perfectly this system works - and I wonder why it is there are people in the world, still, who do not have enough to eat.

Finally, watching my vegetable plants grow from one day to the next excites me. It is with wonder that I watch these plants, who start out so tiny and fragile, so in need of protection and care, grow in size and in strength into life giving sources. These plants return to me everything that i put into them, plus more. I know it may sound a little weird, but I care deeply for my little plants, they are close to my heart, and spending time with them and caring for them brings me a sense of accomplishment, a sense of delight, a sense of satisfaction, and a sense of peace.

I imagine that when any person finds something they really enjoy doing - something viewed as pleasurable rather than as duty or work (even though hard work might be involved) - something that they do simply because it feels good to do it - they feel much the same way I feel in my secret vegetable garden.

So, as much as one person might feel contented and harmonious in their hidden flower garden - so do I feel hidden away with my eggplants, my tomatoes and my seven varieties of pepper. I am absolutely thrilled to have completed the project of preparing my secret vegetable garden, and I am so looking forward to sharing my bounty with all of my friends.

FLSMGH

2010-05-30T11:45:00.001-05:00

The other day I received a text message from one of those youngsters ( I can use that word now that I am officially an oldster). Anyway, in this text it said BTW. That was a new one to me (me, who for about a year thought LOL meant Lots of Love. Me, who asked my son what IMAO meant, only to be told it was LMAO while he L'd his AO at me). I responded - IDKWTM - which apparently meant nothing because I was met with a lonely '?'. I tried again - IDKWTHBTWM!!!!! - again, nothing but a '?'

So I started thinking to myself - "Who is this great texting guru who comes up with all of these MFing acrnyms, and who dies and made them the king of texting? Why are they allowed to WTF and BTW and everybody just latches right onto it - when I, in all of my ultimate coolness, am met with a succession of ?...?...?...?s? And, besides that, how does everyone under the age of 25 seem to just understand all of those strings of letters, while the rest of us are still stuck on words, sentences and grammar?"

Anyway, the youngsters don't actually read my blog because they aren't really interested in the harebrained ravings of a fat middle aged woman. But, the good news is, since they don't read the blog, they also don't know that I am officially old - and I don't want them to find out. I mean, I may have one son who graduated high school - but I have one who is still in preschool - which makes me.....what......insane? Well, never mind that. Anyway, I decided it was time to do some research and get with the times.

Well - research didn't help. BTW alone has 21 definitions. Some of these are: Belasting Toegevoegde Waarde (whatever that means), Bad To Watch, But That's Wild, By The Way, British Tourism Week and Burn The Witches. I found a few other interesting ones - like :

congr@ul8 for congratulate

I mean, by the time you type that all out, why not just type the actual word?

dapol for ashes

That I just don't get. Do you?

ncycbtah for never count your chickens before they are hatched

As if I would ever be able to figure that one out.

So, kISS (keep it simple stupid), which, to me, means stick with words and sentences - because that whole texting thing is just too confusing to an oldster like me. Well, I'll catch you OtFS. Fat Lazy Soccer Mom out.

A Different Kind Of Beach Day

2010-05-29T18:10:00.000-05:00

Well - we are headed home from yet another perfect, beautiful day at the beach. But today something new happened - something completely different. Something unheard of, and really quite frightening. Whether to describe it as wonderful or horrific, I don't know. I guess I'll just tell you the story.

You see, I was happily lying on the blanket. I had read a few pages of my book, and then put it down, closed my eyes, and prepared for relaxation mode - AAAAHHHHHHH! Then, all of a sudden, a thought entered my head - "love the body you're in, and everything it can do for you." I tried that old trick of mine - I said "SHUT UP, YOU!" But it was too late - the thought was there, and relaxation mode was ruined. All this healthiness is kind of messing up my fat lazy lifestyle, you know. With that one idiotic thought, it seemed that my body should do more than lay there on a blanket, and I should appreciate it.

So, since I couldn't fight it, I decided to consider alternative activities at the beach. I mean, there is more to do at the beach than lay on a blanket, right? For instance, one can sit on a blanket. Or possibly even stand on a blanket. One might even go so far as to leave the comfort and safety of the blanket, and experience the sand and the water. I figured that since the thought was stuck there in my head, and relaxation mode was already done for, maybe I would try taking a few steps away from my blanket.

I took more than a few steps, though, I took an entire walk. I must admit - I enjoyed the walk - and during the walk, another thought entered my head. Maybe, I thought, just maybe, by calling myself Fat and Lazy all the time, I am living up to that name. Maybe the title is causing me to hold onto the persona of a Fat Lazy Soccer Mom. I mean, what kind of Fat Lazy Soccer Mom would I be if I were thin and fit and my kids played basketball?

So, I decided to change my name. But - what could the new name be? I thought and thought, and couldn't come up with anything. The Healthy Hippie is already taken - as is The Health Blog, Healthy Blog and Everything Sucks. So, what's left?

I came up with nothing - so I have decided to go with "The Blogger Formerly Known as The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom Gets Healthy." So? What do you think? Personally, I think, GENIUS!!!

Maybe I could just have a symbol instead of a name. Something like this:

Bad Pickles

2010-05-29T08:12:00.000-05:00

I'm baaaacck! Back from the dead? you ask. Well, practically! I am back from food poisoning. So, I haven't been ignoring you - I just haven't been able to drag myself out of bed and write.

If you have ever experienced food poisoning, you know something about my past 36 hours. If you don't - you can look it up online - I'm not going to get detailed about the nasty symptoms.The culprit - I believe it was some pickles I has carried around in my lunch bag for several days - they seemed fine when I ate them, BUT, my bodies violent insistence on getting them out (along with everything else that had been put in) - pretty much convinced me that something of the pickles had been amiss.

Yes, I have had a pretty miserable time of it. And even though I am better now, I will still accept flowers, cards and well wishes. Really.

Bad Pickle

So, while I was lying in bed - unable to eat, unable to move, read, play games, unable to do anything but lay there - there was one happy idea floating around in my head. Here it is - when you can't eat because your body rejects every single thing you put into it - and you don't even feel like eating - YOU LOSE WEIGHT!!! Whoo whoo! So, the way I was looking at it, every thing I had eaten Thursday evening was negated - and everything I would have eaten Friday didn't happen. so, even though no other living occurred for that 36 hour period, at least I came out of it a few pounds thinner. Can't beat that.

My Baby is a Man

2010-05-27T08:18:00.001-05:00

Well, I think that today I am officially old. I've made jokes about being old, I've had days where I felt old - But today is the day. I am about to put on a tasteful dress and conservative make-up so as not to be embarrassing to my son at his High School Graduation.

I honestly don't know how this happened. It seems like just yesterday, I was a young energetic woman with an infant son. Today, my son is taller than me, has underarm hair and body odor, and he shaves. He is ready to be in charge of his own life, ready to make his own decisions, have his own triumphs and make his own mistakes. How could 17 1/2 years have flown by so fast? It is hard to believe.

I must say that the teenage years have had their ups and downs (and downs and downs and downs). but today, I have to say that I am so deeply proud of the young man my baby has become and of the man he is becoming.

2010-05-27T08:12:00.000-05:00

Fragility

2010-05-25T18:36:00.000-05:00

I heard very sad news today about a little boy who used to be in my preschool class, and who is now very ill - and facing a surgery which doctor's warn he may not survive. This boy is in kindergarten this year, and this will be one of a long string of surgeries and procedures he has had to undergo in his short life. This poor little boy has been through so much, but he is always a kind, sweet, positive, happy presence.

News like this makes me realize that I am complaining about things in my life that are so so so insignificant. It makes me realize that all the petty things that I let bother me, and that I think about for hours - or days - just don't matter at all.

I have to say that there are some people, some situations, some things that just plain get on my nerves. I sometimes have a tendency to become easily annoyed. I have a propensity for letting other's attitudes and words effect my emotions - therefore effecting my entire day. And, sometimes - my own attitude is just plain bad.

I think it's time to change all that. I have met people who seem to be able to stay positive in all situations - who smile in the face of negativity, adversity, difficulty, and misfortune. When these people are around - everyone starts to feel a little more happy - the positive energy is contagious. I want to work to be more like those people. I want to be the one that lightens the mood instead of the one pulled down by the mood.

It seems to me the universe is sending me a message lately - there are so many good things to appreciate in my life. There are many things to smile about each and every day. Maybe the trick is to focus on those things and to love those who deserve or need to be loved - with an open heart. Life is fragile - I believe we should enjoy it, appreciate it, and be happy to be living it.

With that - I think it's time for me to go hug my kids. I am so deeply grateful to have them. Gotta make sure they know that.

Shrek Forever After

2010-05-25T08:31:00.000-05:00

I LOVE Shrek! I mean, love like I want to marry Shrek. As a matter of fact, my husband bears a strong resemblance to Shrek, which I realize now, is probably what first attracted me to him (you see, I have often wondered what on earth first attracted me to him).

See the resemblance?

Anyway - this newest Shrek movie was so poignant to my life right now.

You see, Shrek, who has a wife who loves him,k three beautiful children, and lots of adoring friends, begins to feel like he has lost something of himself (his ogreness). He finds, through a series of magical events, that while a part of his youthful self was sacrificed, that the life he was living was far better than the life that would have been. He learned to appreciate what he has instead of glorifying the past or fretting about the future. He learned that becoming an adult meant giving up some parts of youth - but that becoming an adult is much more rewarding.

So, inspiration can come from strange places at times. This time it is Shrek that made me think about new ways to approach this life I'm living. I have, in this blog, lamented the loss of parts of my youthful self. I also have a habit of projecting and getting myself worked up about things that are yet to occur (if they occur at all). What Shrek taught me is to live in the present (live 'in the now' as they say), and appreciate all of the good things in my life.

So - here are a few of them: I have four .absolutely beautiful, wonderful sons who I adore, and who I wouldn't trade for anything. I have a husband who, while still annoying, loves and cares for our family and who is willing to do just about anything I ask him to do (besides handy-man type work like fixing the gaping hole in the back of our kitchen cabinet - but, nobodys perfect, right). I have a job five minutes from my home where I get to hang out with little kids all day, do science experiments, take walks, and play outside. I have friends who I love to hang out with and make fun of everything with. I have my parents nearby - who are both healthy and energetic at their extremely advanced age (that was for you, mom), and I have my stupid, adoring little dog who is trying to get me to stop typing and pet him at this very moment.

I know I like to complain and rant and get annoyed - but I really do love my quiet, simple life and all of the people in it. so, Shrek has given me my healthy change for the week. While I still believe in the connectedness of past present and future - and I still believe there are parts of myself that I should recognize and cherish that have been set aside for a while - the most important thing is to live in the present day, and be grateful for all of the good things in my life rather than waste my time and energy longing for some major change. I have it really good - can't complain.

90 Degrees In May!

2010-05-23T20:23:00.000-05:00

So - it's May, it's Chicago, it's Sunday, and it's 90 degrees outside! WTF!

Well -for my family, this can only mean one thing........ BEACH DAY!

So, yes. The air was 90, the sand was 88, and Lake Michigan was a frigid 33! But did that stop my little barbarians? Noooooo. They jumped right in, dove under, and splashed everyone within a 50 foot radius. They forced their father into the lake with threats of rocks to the skull, and whooped out their cries of victory upon their success!

They ran to the top of the biggest sand dunes - disappeared over the peak - and reappeared moments later, running full speed from some spot miles down the shore. They ran up to me, delivering a fistful of wildflowers they had picked (I keep receiving pilfered flowers, ever since my obvious Mother's Day disappointment), and shot right back into the icy lake - laughing, screaming, and showing off their aquatic skills.

I, on the other hand, have my own way of enjoying the beach. In addition to smiling while watching my elated children run wild like their natural savage selves, I love to unwind at the beach. There is something about the warmth of the sun combined with the body forming ability of the sand and the sound of the waves gently tickling the shore that lulls me into a state of total relaxation. That is, until a wet icy child decides to give me a hug and a kiss before running away laughing. It's shocking having that sudden icyness against my hot skin- but it can't make me angry - because everything is as it should be.

I have talked to people who say they don't like going to the beach. They don't like trudging along carrying all their supplies, they don't like sand getting into everything, they don't like the mess and laundry when they get back home. I don't know, though. For me - these are the best days of my life.

A Momentous Day

2010-05-22T16:03:00.000-05:00

Well, today is a big day. I did something I thought I might never do. I let go of something that I have been holding on to for many many years - and it was something very difficult to give up, something I have felt I needed for a long time.

I actually cancelled my Weight Watcher membership. I know - you're all like "What? Cancelled? What happened to the whole getting healthy thing?" I realize that I have gone on and on about the book Women Food and God at nauseum - but the ideas in that book are really making me look at life, eating and what a 'healthy lifestyle' really is in a whole new light.

I have been a Weight Watchers member for many years now, like my mother before me. I will give Weight Watchers credit - because when following their plan I did lose a great deal of weight - but then when I stopped following their plan, I became a self proclaimed Weight Watchers rebel - and gained a lot of weight. I know that their plan works when you work it (as they say), but, I personally, cannot imagine keeping track of everything I eat and its point value for the rest of my life. As a matter of fact - I have this weird mutinous side that wants to stick it to them, and eats a gazillion points just to show the god of Weight Watchers that I can do whatever I want - damn the consequences.

Still, whether or not I am following the Weight Watchers program, I allow that $34.95 to be deducted from my bank account each month - because deep down I have always felt that I needed Weight Watchers to become the person I want to be.

According to Geneen Roth, living a healthy lifestyle does not require counting points, or restricting particular fattening foods - it requires listening to your body - being aware of hunger - and choosing to be healthy.

I did get a lot out of my Weight Watcher years. I learned about healthier alternatives, I learned how to make conscience eating choices, I learned about nutrition and about the importance of physical activity. However, it is a set of rules to follow that do not bring me joy, and do not really fit with the person I am.

Not to mention - I currently weigh as much as I did after my fourth son was born - which is pretty darn big. Just to give you an idea - while I was pregnant with Marko - I felt the need to eat a humongous steak burrito from Burrito Station (the kind that are actually big enough to feed a small village) every morning at 9:00 to stave off morning sickness. And, that was my mid-morning snack. Granted, Marko was a huge baby - but he only made up about 9 of the 800 pounds I gained. The point is - hanging onto the security blanket of a Weight Watchers membership has not given me the body or the happiness I was looking for. Just the opposite - it has given me a feeling of ineptness and guilt at my inability to stick to the Weight Watcher's simple program. Plus a sense of failure and self loathing because I made it within five pounds of my 'goal weight' and then started gaining it all back again.

So, I'm letting it go. I'm letting go of the membership - I'm letting go of the points - and I'm letting go of the guilt. I am going to attempt to eat food in order to nourish my body (imagine that) - eat as much as I need to satisfy my hunger (considering that is all food should be for) - and not eat when I'm not hungry. I am also going to try to accept and be happy with my body as it is, and appreciate all of the things that it can do.

So, I hope Geneen Roth isn't just some nut - and this whole eating food in order to satisfy physical hunger isn't simply the rantings of a lunatic. I guess if I start writing like some kind of depraved idiot ranting about divine visions of cupcakes - you will know that life without dieting is just another one of those weird New Age hippie things I tend to be so fond of. So, yeah - if you see the signs - just let me know.

Kiss Me In The Rain

2010-05-21T21:14:00.000-05:00

Well, I have actually kept up with my daily walking of the dog. I have been getting up early every morning, avoiding Facebook and Farmville, donning my i-pod and taking one very happy Pepper out for a stroll.

However, today there was an obstacle to overcome. I woke up early, skipped the snooze button, avoided the lure of the internet, made a cup of tea, and looked out the window - where I saw something quite disheartening. It was raining!!! "Gosh Darn It!" I proclaimed.

My first thought was "Well - there goes that." And I quickly resolved to sit down and check out my favorite social network. But before I eased myself into my extremely comphy chair - a voice I haven't heard since my childhood entered my head. I heard the words of my grandfather - "You're not made of sugar!" It was true, I could actually go outside and get wet without melting.

With that it was decided. I could walk the dog - in the rain - and I could survive it.

Well, I discovered something on this walk - and here it is. When you walk your dog in the rain, you both get wet!

But wait, theres more. It's not such a bad kind of wet. It's actually an exhilarating, joyful kind of wet.

Another memory came back to me - I used to love walking in the rain, splashing in puddles, watching water travel along the sides of the road like miniature raging rapids. Rain used to be an excuse to walk around the block barefoot (without shoes!). Somewhere along the line it became an excuse to stay in and hide from nature.

This afternoon, when it was time for me to leave work, it started POURING! The rain was so thick and so fast that it was impossible to see even inches in front of my face. My four year old son walked out into it, heading for the car, and he started laughing with pleasure. This reinforced in me that loving the rain is what is natural - avoiding the rain is what is taught. Avoiding the rain is really about avoiding the hassle of dripping on the carpet, of wet clothes and wet shoes, of mud and mess. But, really, isn't the joy and the pleasure of rain and puddles and mud worth the work that comes afterward? I believe it is - and from now on, I will opt to allow the joy, and I wont mind the mess.

Amazement

2010-05-21T05:57:00.001-05:00

"Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was - just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer - was enough? When you were enough - not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because everything was the way it was. Nothing was wrong. When you were sad, you cried and then it was over. You were back to a fundamental feeling of positivity, of goodness just because you were alive. What if you could live that way now?" Geneen Roth - Women Food And God

I love the above quote because, yes, I do remember that time, and that feeling is what I want back. That feeling is the person I want to be. I wonder why growing up is often synonymous with losing one's sense of wonder and joy.

I felt this feeling for a brief moment this morning while I was walking my dog. I passed under a large flowering tree, and when I looked up into the branches, I saw tiny pink petals raining down upon me. I stopped, stood and watched as these fragile fairies danced slowly, gently to the ground. In that moment, I felt amazed. A feeling I used to be quite familiar with.

When I was little I loved to play outside. I loved looking under rocks and finding bugs, I loved all plants and animals, I loved discovering new things about the world and gaining new understandings.

Somehow, with age and with the demands of life, that sense of amazement has become dulled - but it is not gone. There are some huge events that have amazed me beyond belief - like the birth of a child, and some not so huge that have amazed me in a quiet way - like like hearing and seeing a great horned owl in the middle of an afternoon - or like a waterfall crashing down into a canyon - or like petals falling from a tree.

I think for a while I was somewhat overwhelmed with life - I wasn't taking the time to look around at all of the wonderful, amazing things there are to be found, and I wasn't pausing to allow amazement to occur.

One of the most important, and unsuspected, things I am gaining from my new healthier lifestyle is that I am getting my amazement back. Thank God.

Angry Eating

2010-05-19T20:18:00.001-05:00

Well, this morning, my compulsive eating threw me a curve ball. I was nervous. I swung and I missed. Then, on the next pitch I swung again - strike two. I knew at that point I had two choices. Either swing and hit, or strike out. I decided I WOULD get a hit. I set my mind to it, dug in my heels, gripped the bat, and with all of the determination I could muster - I swung, and my bat met the ball midair - it was a base hit. I made it to first. I felt so elated and accomplished after so many strike outs in the past.

It all began with my annoying husband (as usual). This morning, however, I was more than annoyed - I was pissed. I wont get into all of the sordid details - I will just say that the man (in the way men can sometimes be self-centered and non-empathetic) made me angry...... really really angry........ like,super angry!

I was so mad - I was seeing red - I was doing that outraged bull kind of nose breathing - my eyes were narrowed and I was coiled up like an aggravated cobra ready to strike. I was going to show him. I reached for the bag of BBQ potato chips (not the baked kind), and I was ready to grab a handful, squeezing and letting the demolished chip crumbs spill onto the ground as I brought my fist towards my mouth, and with my face only inches from his, I intended to stuff in those chips, then wipe the back of my incensed hand across my wrathful lips, spreading potato chip crumbs and BBQ flavored powder across my cheek. I would violently chew, and then swallow succinctly - thus showing him how completely enraged I was feeling, and causing him deep regret and guilt for causing this total failure of my new healthy lifestyle. Yeah - I was going to show him.

But - I paused. I considered the action I was about to take. I realized that my vehement chip eating display might not convey the exact message I wanted to get across. I backed away from the chips, and turned back to my husband. Instead of eating in anger - I spoke in anger (words that, while obviously vivid, well-constructed and brilliant - I probably shouldn't display in print).

Still, I did not find that these words were able to adequately quiet my ire - yet I resisted those chips as well as the cookies, ice cream and whipped cream. Instead I took my leave, and directed all of my wrath towards the large weeds and small trees that are attempting to overtake my gardens. Still, upon re-entering my house, and seeing my husbands goofy smiling face, my smoldering fury began to resurface.

The tempting call of fund raiser chocolate began to fill my head, like the sirens singing to Odysseus. Like, Odysseus, I was strong. I resisted the irresistible song. But I knew I couldn't resist for long. I knew I had to do something to save myself. The song of the chocolate - the call of the potato chips, the jovial, ludicrous smile of my husband - all swirling around me was far too much for any mortal. My very sanity was in peril.

I knew I couldn't fight and win. My instincts kicked in. It was fight of flee. Knowing that I would defeated any moment - I chose flight. My hand passed over the Oreos, and snatched up my I-pod, and I announced that I would be walking to work, and to please bring my bags to me later.

The music and the walk calmed me, and as my anger subsided, it was replaced by a sense of pride. I did not turn to food to comfort me in a time of fury. I spoke from the heart (you should have been there - I really spoke from the heart - ghetto style head roll and all), used methods other than food or violence to calm myself, and found that I could find peace without large amounts of Dunkin Hines frosting.

Starving Children

2010-05-18T07:43:00.000-05:00

Everyone should read! I guess that since you are reading this, you already do read, because, who would take the time to read this trash unless they were people who read, right?

still, I will say it again, everyone should read! You see, when reading, sometimes different ideas and different perspectives can spark in your mind. You can sometimes realize that another way of looking at things might actually be better than the way you are currently looking at things. You can come to understand that some long held belief of yours is actually false.

This is what happened to me this morning. I was reading, and a short statement made my whole outlook on a certain subject adjust, and then appear in a new light.

You know all those starving children in China? It turns out that eating all the food on your plate doesn't actually change their situation at all - not in the least. Whether you eat your food, or save some food for later, or give your food to your dog, or even throw your food away - the starving children in China will be just as starving as they were before your meal.

So, gluttony doesn't actually help anybody. You don't need to make yourself fat to save the children of the world. And there is no guilt involved in stopping when you are no longer hungry. Amazing, isn't it?

So, that only leaves one question. If we can't overeat to help the starving children, then what can we do?

Well, my husband is OBSESSED with this game on the internet called Free Rice, which up until now really got on my nerves, because he has this manly habit of playing the game and ignoring all of the chaos occurring all around him. In the game you have to match weird obscure words to their synonyms - and when you are able to do this successfully, grains of rice are sent to poor countries. The more people play and successfully match words, the more rice is sent. So, his spacing out in front of the computer is more altruistic than my obsessive eating.

So, eating like a pig does not help the starving children in China, but improving your vocabulary does. Go figure.

The Eating Guidelines

2010-05-17T18:44:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's true - I'm back on the book again. This time, though, I am less depressing than I was the other times.

In her book, "Women, Food and God," Geneen Roth spells out seven eating guidelines that will help any person overcome compulsive eating:

Eat when you are hungry.
Eat sitting down in a calm environment. This does not include the car.Eat without distractions. Distractions include radio, television, newspapers, books, intense or anxiety-producing conversations or music.
Eat what your body wants.
Eat until you are satisfied.
Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.
Eat with enjoyment, gusto and pleasure.

Quite a few of these seem difficult as far as I am concerned, but I said I was going to make one healthy change per week - so I am going to try to tackle these Eating Guidelines!

O.K., back to reality. You were probably impressed that I was going to tackle ALL of these Eating Guidelines at one time - but, no. Actually I think I will start with number 5. Eat (with the intention of being) in full view of others.

I am going to start this off like an AA meeting. I admit to being a food sneak. It is true - I eat food (usually junk food) when I know nobody is around to see me.

I can definitely blame this one on my kids. The practice of food sneaking (although it was a habit of my childhood) became a well honed art during the past 17 years of motherhood. I think it all started with cookie dough......

Long long ago when my oldest son was only two years old, I was told that raw cookie dough was dangerous because of the eggs in the batter. For this reason, due to my strong motherly instinct to keep my baby safe and healthy, I told little Steven that he could not eat the dough before it was cooked. However - when Steven wasn't looking - I ate the cookie dough myself.

A few years later, my Elijah came along. Elijah LLLLOOOOOVVVVEEEEEEDDDDDD sweets. In an effort to ensure his optimal health, I began limiting the amount of sugar he was allowed to consume. For instance - I only let him have two Oreo cookies. However - when Elijah wasn't looking - I ate six Oreo cookies myself.

This pattern of sneaking treats has continued through two more children - but has progressed to include adults as well. You see, I have had several diet partners over the years - and because I wanted them to think I was sticking to the plan we had laid out together - I would wait for them to be looking the other way before partaking in dessert. I would hide m&m's in my purse, taking them out only when alone rather than being caught with them. I would hide snacks in a closet - and escape to the back of the house so I could fill my cheeks with Ho-Ho's. I would refuse cake at a party, only to wait until I was alone in the kitchen and stuff it down my throat.

I sound like a drug addict, don't I? Well, I suppose I am in a way - only food is the drug (as Geneen would say).

So, from now on, whatever I am eating, for good or for bad, I will eat publicly. Plus, if there is something I feel I can only eat in concealment, I guess I wont eat it.

So, that is this week's healthy change. No more food sneaking. No more hidden snacks. No more food lies, or food embarrassment. If I am going to pig out, I will be a public pig.

Another Lovely day

2010-05-16T19:56:00.000-05:00

Well, it was another lovely day at another great place. Today we went to Civil War Days at Naper
Settlement in Naperville, IL. First of all, Naper Settlement is a very cool place with gardens, lots of open space, and many historical buildings. Second of all, reenactments are always interesting with people in period costume, selling period items, and explaining history in a very hands on way.

So, we drank homemade root beer (all I can say is - yummmmm), my boys learned how to act as soldiers in a civil war regiment, we enjoyed a baby animal petting zoo, and we watched a battle reenactment. However, the definite highlight of the day was an epic Lord of The Flies style battle of young children claiming themselves to be either 'confederate' or 'reunion' soldiers.

If you have never attended a war reenactment, there are certain requirements. The most important of these is that every child in attendance be given, by their generous parents, some item that reflects the time period being represented. In this way, the children can feel more a part of the event. In this case, the items of choice for little boys are weapons and uniforms. So, my children, along with the other children in attendance found themselves armed with wooden swords and guns.

After witnessing the battle scene, these children split themselves into two teams (partly based on which uniform items their parents had purchased,) and ran amok among the fort and log cabins of Naper Settlement attacking enemy troops, planning strategies, and whooping out child-like war cries. I'm sure it sounds somewhat savage - but it was actually somewhat beautiful.

You see, living with five boys (husband included) can be difficult at times. There are times when the energy level is so high that it seems unbearable. All of that testosterone in such a small space is a lot to deal with, especially when I am seeking calm and peace. However, seeing these boys in their natural environment - running wild Tom Sawyer style - is quite an inspiring experience.

Boys, I believe, are like puppies. If they are not given opportunities to run wild in the outdoors, they start chewing up shoes and destroying furniture. However, when given ample space and high energy games, they arrive home tired and sweet - ready to cuddle and stare with those loving eyes. Honestly, life just doesn't get much better than that.

So - tomorrow, I will be considering a statement my Aunt Lenore made. She was quoting someone when she said: "You should never eat imitation food-like products - only real food." Simple, yet profound - something to ponder, ay?

The Hula Chair

2010-05-14T21:30:00.000-05:00

I have finally found it! The greatest piece of exercise equipment ever made. The Hula Chair:

Honestly, though, the picture doesn't do it justice. You should really click on the link below so you can watch this chair in action on You Tube:

YouTube - The Hula Chair will make you smile

So - this is so cool. All you have to do is plug the chair into a wall, sit down, and press a button. In a circular, side to side motion, the hula chair move in a rhythmic action, thus activating muscles of your legs, buttock, and abdominals. While providing all of this intense muscular activity, it also loosens the spine, massages the back, increases balance and range of motion, cures constipation and teaches ancient ethnic dance.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9_amg-Aos4

All of this occurs while the sitter is sitting passively in front of the television. Imagine it, a chair that can improve one's life so dramatically - without any effort on the part of the sitter. I SO WANT TO BE THAT SITTER!

Here's my vision. I can have a Hula chair at home where I can sit and watch television, or BLOG (huh? Oh yeah!), one in my lovely office space at work, and one in each of my classrooms, so I can sit and get fit while teaching or doing paperwork. Maybe, though, for the classroom they better be cordless and on casters, so that I can still move around the room when necessary. In addition - a Hula Seat Pad for the car for long trips. Maybe even a Hula Wheel chair for those times when I am away from home and work - for instance, my family can just push my hulaing butt all over the zoo. I wonder if there is a Hula Recliner that I can sleep on?

This has got to be the greatest Fat Lazy piece of exercise equipment ever! Finally, I can sit on my A** and still keep up with my work outs! It just doesn't get much better than this!

Anybody know where I can get a coconut sports bra?

The Biggest Workout Impediment

2010-05-13T17:50:00.000-05:00

So, I've been putting a lot of thought into the question - "What is it that keeps a person from following through on their workout plans?" I for one go to bed every night resolved to get up bright and early and get some good solid exercise before the day, and all that it brings, gets in the way. so, every night I make sure that the alarm clock on my phone is set for a time several hours before I have to get the kids up from school, and I go to sleep. Every morning, my alarm goes off as planned - but some mornings my work outs don't happen.

This morning for instance, my alarm went off at the proper time. I got out of bed, took the phone in my hand, pressed the snooze button, took the phone back to bed with me, and decided to get up in five minutes when the snooze alarm rang. Well, lying in bed I pressed the snooze button 22 times. Then, when I was only ten minutes away from having to wake my boys up for school - the answer came to me - like an inspiration - like a higher power speaking to me in my half conscious state. The thing that keeps me from achieving my work out goals is - dun dun dah - The Snooze Button!

So - I'm thinking - what idiot came up with this snooze button idea and why? I mean, if there was no snooze button I would be afraid to go back to sleep because I might not wake up in time (unless I took the trouble to reset my clock for a later time - an act that would probably wake me up because I would have to concentrate on what I was doing.

Well, it turns out that the man who invented the snooze button was Lew Wallace - author of Ben Hur. Weird, huh? I couldn't find out any information on why he invented it. I guess the idea was to get an extra few minutes of sleep.

I did, however, find that scientists agree that the use of the snooze button is not healthy. Apparently, while using the snooze button it is impossible to go into a state of deep sleep - meaning that the time spent pressing snooze is not at all restful. It's better to get up when the alarm rings, get some exercise to become more alert, and take a nap later.

So, I would like to say that I am going to give up the snooze button, but I tend not to think about things quite so clearly when my alarm goes off in the morning. Still, I am going to try. Maybe I need to get a clock without a snooze button - that's what I need to do. I could kick Lew Wallace for inventing the stupid button - then five minutes later, I would kick him again.

Teenage Years Here We Come, Again!

2010-05-12T18:26:00.000-05:00

We are on the verge of having our oldest son turn 18, the age at which many people consider teens to become adults. The teenage years have had ups and downs, but I must say I wont miss them. Emotions, fears of threats to today's teens, the loss of childhood - those things have marked the past four years.

But, guess what. Today marks the last day of my sweet Elijah being a boy. Tomorrow he will turn 13, and the teenage years will start all over again. What horrible timing, aye?

So, I will actually have to live through teenagerness three more times! I must be nuts!

I decided to try to find some online advice for raising young teens. This is the most useful information I found on teenagers:

Teenagers Are Like Cats

How so? Well, consider:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as David Letterman, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

No cat nor any teenager has ever improved anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

So - this time around I will treat the teenager like a cat. I will feed him as often as he wants to eat. I will let him sleep when he wants to sleep. I will appreciate the attention he gives me, but not expect him to appreciate my attention. I will scratch him behind the ears and accept the fact that he might just look at me with disgust and walk away. I will enjoy having him around and I will enjoy the time we have together.

And if that doesn't work, I get to start all over again in five years.

Happy Birthday to my baby, Elijah. I can't believe 13 years could fly by so fast. I will miss my little boy, but look forward to seeing the man you will become.

The Nastiest Diet

2010-05-12T06:36:00.000-05:00

By far, the nastiest, most disgusting diet I have ever heard of is The Lemonade Diet. First of all, the lemonade is just plain gross. Listen to this recipe, and tell me doesn't sound nasty:

o 2 tablespoons of freshly squeezed organic lemon juice

o 2 tablespoons of grade B organic maple syrup

o A 10th of a teaspoon of powdered organic cayenne pepper

o Distilled water in 10 oz glasses

So, my friend was doing The Lemonade Diet (AKA The Master Cleanse), and I tasted this concoction, and it made me gag. It is really foul. I mean, who even came up with that combination of flavors, and thought it would be a good idea to make them into a drink? Probably somebody with a sense of humor - probably somebody who is sitting back laughing at all the dopes going around drinking this stuff.

Anyway - you drink this spicy syrup lemonade instead of eating solid food, and it's supposed to cleanse your body of toxins - and it's supposed to suppress all cravings for junk food. You do this for a minimum of 10 days (but, apparently, you can stay on the diet for up to 45 days). I can't imagine, though, that I would be able to go ten days without solid food, and then no longer crave food. I think that after 10 days without food, I would probably go on a feeding frenzy. Not to mention, all of the people who make these extreme weight loss claims - I mean, duh, you haven't eaten anything for ten days - they also call that anorexia, or the starvation diet, which is known to lead to weight loss, nothing new there.

But, back to the Lemonade Diet. I read up on this diet craze - and it turns out that many people on the diet become constipated (due to lack of nutrients, no doubt - some master cleanse). There fore, it is recommended that in addition to drinking disgusting pepper - lemon maple syrup throughout the day, you consume laxative tea in the evening. Then, in the morning, you drink a glass of warm salt water, ewwww. That sounds healthy, doesn't it?

The way I see it, if you want to starve yourself for the sake of weight loss - go right ahead, but skip the nasty lemon stuff, laxative tea and salt water. That's just adding an additional hurtful component to the abuse you are already inflicting on yourself. I mean, you have to love yourself more than that. I don't see how force feeding yourself nastiness can possibly lead to happiness (even if you do lose 30 pounds).

Water Water Water

2010-05-10T19:48:00.001-05:00

Once, I got a massage. The masseuse told me that I was dehydrated and that I should be drinking one oz of water per day for every pound of body weight. I said "You mean my body weight?" The massage was ruined from that point forward because I spent my entire time on the table trying to figure out exactly how much water that would be. I'm not going to tell you exactly how much, but let's just say it's a lot. A whole lot. Considering I have been hearing 64 oz total for years, and I don't know any 64 pound adults, that's a lot of water.

Still, getting in my full 64 oz of water per day is still a stretch. Actually, I meet a lot of people who have a tough time with this particular guideline. But, why? Why do we have such a hard time with getting all of our water in each day?

Well, I've been asking around, and there seems to be two major reasons - one is that some people simply don't like water. I am not in this group, because it is a very strange sentiment in my opinion. What's not to like about water? But, some people describe feeling like they are going to choke or vomit when they try to drink water.

Another reason is that water tends to come out soon after it goes in. This one I can comprehend. have you ever seen a little kid who waits until the last minute before using the bathroom - playing a game, legs crossed, bouncing up and down with that look of intense concentration on their face? Well, I haven't grown out of that yet. I still hate to be interrupted by the call of nature. It's the one thing I can't force my annoying husband to do for me. I can't I tell my kids to do it for me. I can't even pay someone to do it for me.

Here's the other problem. When I drink all of my water, I am forced to use bathrooms all over my place of employment. I mean in all of the different washrooms at my place of employment. I don't want anyone to see me use the same washroom that often - they might start to think I'm on drugs or a pervert - or worse. So, yeah, it's easier to just avoid the water.

That's Me!

Still - the benefits of water are numerous. Here are a few statistics:

75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

One glass of water successfully shut down midnight hunger pains for almost 100% of the dieters in a University of Washington research study

Many people mistake thirst for hunger - leading to weight gain.

So, even though it may lead to more interruptions in my daily life, and even though it may cause fabricated rumors at my place of employment, my healthy change for the week will be to drink all of my water each day. Not the idiotic amount the dumb masseuse was going on and on about, but the 64 oz everyone else talks about.

Here's a few tips for getting in all your water:

Between alcoholic drinks, consume a glass of water (that should take care of it for most of the people I know)
Use Dixie cups like shot glasses and fill them with water instead of whiskey (three shots equals one glass)
Drink water out of a straw
Keep water with you at all times
Add lemon or lime to your water
Add ice to your water
If you rally can't stand the taste of water - talk to your doctor about an IV drip.
If you really can't stand using the bathroom, talk to your doctor about a catheter (that's probably what I am going to do).

I Hate Water!

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-10T07:02:00.000-05:00

For all you mothers out there - you do a wonderful job, I hope you feel loved and appreciated on this day that is designed to celebrate you.

In general, Mother's Day always reminds me how selfless and giving mothers are. Maybe its because I'm the only female in my household, but, for me at least, Mother's Day is always a little lacking.
One example of this is the fact that I have to be the one to remind my boys to say Happy Mothers Day to me. I mean, I am hoping they will grow to be thoughtful husbands someday - so, somebody has to remind them, right?

So, today, I got my husband out of bed, and reminded him that it was Mother's Day. He then, very obviously, asked my 7 year old to go to the store for flowers. Mikey was busy playing computer games, and wasn't interested. So, my husband was about to just go on his own, when I suggested to our youngest son Marko, might go with him. (The older two boys were, naturally, still asleep).

They came back with flowers, and then Marko wanted to watch TV and the annoying husband whipped out the laptop.

I was, at this point, somewhat underwhelmed. Giving credit where credit is due, my 17 year old son did say 'Happy Mother's Day' when he got up, and then he swept the floor. (So, maybe there is hope for the next generation).

Around noon, I woke up the last of my four sons, and reminded him to say Happy Mother's Day to me. "Oh yeah," was his reply.

Finally, I asked if we might be going anywhere for Mother's Day. My husband suggested we go out for lunch. Now, at least somebody is learning, because for the last few years we have spent hours on Mother's Day driving from one restaurant to another trying to find a place without an incredibly long wait. So, this year, I called around and found a place that could put us on their list.

So, we had a nice lunch, and then we went to my mother's house for a lovely Mother's Day dinner. So, right now, my husband is relaxing on the couch while I make sure baths and homework are done.

So, if any men out there are interested, here are some Mother's Day tips. Think of all of the things the mother of your children does every other day, and do those things for her. Some examples: wake up the kids and get them ready, make breakfast, remind the kids to say Happy Mother's Day, tell the kids to get off the computer and recognize the day, have gifts and flowers in advance and give them before you are asked, have plans for the day made in advance (and pay for it), be thoughtful - don't think of things YOU would like - think of things SHE would like, talk to your kids before Mother's Day about what you and they are going to do together for their mother, clean up, offer to let mother relax while you get the kids ready for bed, ask if she wants or needs anything, put the kids to bed, tell her what a great mother she is. Those are a few examples. Believe me, if you follow those guidelines, you will have a happy wife on Mother's Day, and her friends will be so envious. I mean, it's only one day, right?

I know that tomorrow I will be with other mothers I know, expressing my disappointment in Mother's Day once again, and laughing about how pitiful men are. So, any men who want to avoid being the butt of the post Mother's Day jokes- in the future - try to remember my guidelines for the perfect Mother's Day. (These also apply to birthdays, Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day or when you want to ask if you can spend a few days in Vegas with your buddies, or a few days before The World Cup begins, etc).

The Voice Inside My Head

2010-05-08T17:44:00.000-05:00

I hope everyone reading this can relate - if not, I may have bigger problems than I thought. Anyway - I'm ready to admit to something. I hear voices.

They're not the kind of voices that tell me to kill my husband in his sleep, or to collect all of the pussy willows I can find and burn them under a full moon at midnight. They are the kind of voices that make me doubt myself.

They say things like:

"You look so ugly in that dress."
"You're nose is way too big."
"You have such ugly skin."
"You look so nasty in that swimming suit."
"You are so fat!"

Has that voice ever spoken to you? Well, it speaks to me all the time. Luckily, after 39 years listening to that voice, I have finally realized something about it.

You see, I used to think it was me talking, and I used to believe I was pretty much telling myself the truth. You see, the way I figured it, if it wasn't my voice, then I must have been hearing voices - and we all know what that means!

Well, now I know that voice isn't me - the name of that voice isn't 'Fat Lazy Soccer Mom.' I don't know it's actual name - I was thinking it might be named 'self-doubt,' but that would be kind of a weird name, huh?

Anyway - I have a new plan in mind. Instead of listening to that voice, and feeling bad about myself - I'm just going to say "Shut Up You!"

"Shut Up You! I'm not listening!!"

So, when the voice says "Are you crazy trying to wear those jeans with your fat thighs?" I'm going to say "Shut Up You!" and walk out the door wearing my jeans.

When the voice says "Everybody thinks your jokes are annoying." I'm going to say "Shut Up You!" and keep on laughing.

When the voice says "That teeny tiny bikini would only look good on a size 1 super model." I'm going to say "You're right about that" and put on my skirted tank that covers my butt in a modest and flattering way. (I didn't say I have lost my ability to be reasonable, you know.)

Anyway - next time that voice tries to tell you you are less than perfect - just try it out. Say "Shut Up! I'm fabulous!"

Barefoot Shoes

2010-05-07T19:24:00.001-05:00

Recently, a friend told me that there are all sorts of health benefits involved with going barefoot. She's in to doing everything all natural - and this whole barefoot idea goes right along with her 'au naturale' outlook. Even though I have lived with some foot pain - fallen arches, soreness - over the past few years, I was somewhat interested in what she was telling me.

I looked into it, and it turns out she was right. It has been found that there are many benefits to going barefoot - and it is being recommended that people lose the shoes as often as possible. I found that people who go barefoot regularly (even people carrying extra weight around) have far fewer foot problems and far less foot soreness than those with shoes. Apparently, shoes are not traditionally made to fit a foots natural contours, and after time, wearing shoes causes damage to the muscles in the feet. Additionally, wearing shoes causes a relaxing of the muscles in the feet and ankles, causing humans to be less able to carry their own weight around.

Going without shoes is supposed to be beneficial to emotional health as well. We have a huge amount of nerve endings in the soles of our feet - and they are meant to help us gather information about our immediate environment. Shoes put a barrier between us and the world, lowering our awareness, impacting our ability to respond to environmental changes, and ultimately leading to feelings of depression. On the flipside, stress, depression and fatigue can be relieved simply by removing your shoes!

There is even a Society For Barefoot Living (http://www.barefooters.org/), a group of people who have chosen to go barefoot as a lifestyle choice. Also, there is the running barefoot website (http://therunningbarefoot.com/), for the growing number of runners who have given up their Reeboks.

While I was looking for information on the health benefits of going barefoot, I found many products available for those making this lifestyle choice. You would think that going barefoot involved the simple decision of whether or not to wear shoes, and would cost next to nothing - but no! Seeing as we are a capitalist society - as long as there are willing consumers, I guess anything can be sold, .

This is one of my favorites:

This is a cobblestone barefoot walking mat! It replicates the experience of walking barefoot outdoors across smooth stones (like those found at the beach) without having to actually leave your home! I mean, who would want to walk barefoot along a beach when they could just walk back and forth across this mat right there in their own living room? Plus, when you are done walking barefoot for the day - this convienient mat can be easily rolled up and stored in a closet! If I had one of these babies, I might never go outside again!

As awesome as the cobblestone mat is, barefoot shoes are even better! I had to sit and consider that for a while - barefoot shoes? A bit of an oxymoron, ay? But, hey, in the words of The Lorax, "You never can tell what some people will buy." But wait - there is not just one barefoot shoe, there are many styles of 'barefoot shoes' to choose from! Many things to consider when living the barefoot lifestyle.

First up is the Barefoot Freedom sandal:

This lovely shoe has a removeable, heat moldable insole that can be molded to match each individual foot's shape. Your foot will be more comfortable that the bare foot because it will sit on it's personalized mold throughout the day - which will eliminate foot fatigue. Still, I don't think this shoe will replicate the exercise or stress releiving elements of going barefoot. This shoe, by the way, is sold for $98.95.

Another concept in the whole barefoot shoe craze is the vivo barefoot shoe:

This stylish shoe has a little different concept than the Barefoot Freedom Sandal. This shoe is made with an extremely thin sole, so you're ALMOST barefoot - which, I imagine, means that you will ALMOST reap all of the benefits of actually BEING barefoot. And you can ALMOST improve your plantar health for an average cost of $150 per pair. Makes perfect sense to me!!!!

But maybe some of you only trust the well known footwear brands. Well - here is the barefoot shoe for you!

This is Nike Free - which attempts to simulate barefoot running. So, if the idea of barefoot running appeals to you - BUY THIS SHOE! Depending on the style, these shoes cost between $85 and $110 - and, honestly, who would want to practice barefoot running while actually running barefoot? Right?

Finally - we have the premium barefoot shoe! This is the barefoot shoe of all barefoot shoes! Check this out:

This is the long awaited fivefinger barefoot shoe! This shoe is much more reasonable at only $70 a pair. Plus, as you can see, this is as close as you can come to being barefoot while still wearing shoes!

Again - it is pretty darn important to choose the right shoe for you if you want to be barefoot!

Finding The Right Exercise For Me

2010-05-06T19:37:00.000-05:00

They say that the best way to stick to an exercise regime is to find an exercise that is right for you. (I've always wondered who 'they' are, but apparently 'they' know what 'they're' talking about most of the time). So, anyway, I've never really questioned 'them', and I have tried many many types of exercise trying to find the best fit for me - trying to find something I would want to stick with.

For instance, one time I took a kick boxing class. I really did enjoy it, and I was feeling pretty tough and empowered. I would go to the class and punch the bag, and the mitts - then wear the mitts while people punched me. I would kick stuff, and imagine my annoying husbands annoying face.

I was feeling like an Amazon princess - like somebody better just dare mess with me. I was a strong, tough, crazy b**** just looking for a fight. So, yeah, I probably could have stuck with kick boxing, except the trainer hurt my feelings. There I was feeling so talented and belligerent - punching a bag in a group. Then the dude says for everybody to do a hop in between punches - turns to my group - points a finger at us - and says "except you three - you don't hop, just punch." I looked at the two older women in my group, and realized I was in the sucky group. I've never been in the sucky group - not in anything!

My kick boxing group

So, I left kick boxing, and never returned.

Another time my friend R convinced me to go to some crazy exercise class with her. She kept going on and on about what a great class it was, how it was a class she wouldn't miss for any reason, how anybody could do it at their own level - yadda yadda yadda. Now, I should have been suspicious, because R is the type of person who loves painful sweaty activities. She is the type of person who enjoys sore muscles. I'm pretty sure that is she was a six foot 300 pound man, she would love tackle football, grunting and banging helmets with other players.

Still, she promised I would love it, and I believed her. Well, I can't remember the name of this class - but I called it 'The Hell Class' from that day forward. It was awful. You had to go around to all these different stations and do all these ridiculously difficult exercises for three minutes a piece, then switch, then switch, then switch - and this went on for an hour. Plus, every time I stopped, the instructor saw me and said something encouraging - just pointing out to the entire class that I was slacking. It was one of the most horrible hours of my life - I was all nasty sweaty, and every single muscle in my body hurt - and I for one do not enjoy sore muscles. So, yeah, that one didn't work out for me either.

Crazy exercisers

Then there were the kangaroo jumps. If you have never heard of kangaroo shoes - you have got to look them up. They're kind of like tall roller skates, but instead of wheels, they have these big springy things on the bottom.

Kangaroo Jumps

So, whats happens is, you strap on your kangaroo shoes, and go hopping around your neighborhood. It's kind of a slow motion hopping motion, while taking exaggerated long strides. Some friends bought me these kangaroo shoes as a gift - they both had some, and the plan was that we would all go out hopping around the trail together. Here was the thing about the kangaroo shoes. I felt like we should be wearing short shorts and colorful striped tights - then people would have thought we had just hopped out of a Dr. Seuss book - and they probably would have captured us and tried to put back.

"No, really, he doesn't mean me!"

Not to mention, there was that one aspect of exercise I really dislike - soreness.

This is just a sampling of my long, unsuccessful exercise career. I have also tried walking poles, the power belt, wii fit, spinning (blah), MBT shoes, dance dance revolution, fit flops, the thigh master, sweating to the oldies, belly dancing, zumba, frog swimming gloves, better booty ballet etc.

The only form of exercise I have ever stuck with for a prolonged period of time - the only one I keep returning to - is walking. I don't need any special equipment, I don't need to join anything, I can do it any time of the day - for any length of time, I don't get sore, and I don't get sweaty. Call me fat. Call me lazy. But walking is the exercise for me.

That is, until the next cool thing 'they' come out with.

A Revelation

2010-05-05T08:11:00.000-05:00

FOREWARNING: THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE A FUNNY BLOG!

For all you fans of my more humorous side, I don't have any funny for you today. But, don't blame it on me - it's that damn Geneen Roth book, and the stupid friend who gave it to me. That's right, Women Food and God, the same book I was all weepy over the other day. It's true - I've been reading it again. And once again - it has forced me to look at my inner self, and has left me utterly humorless.

You see, there is something that has puzzled me for many years. I have gone through periods of thin fitness, where I eat healthy, and walk everyday - no matter the weather - no matter what my schedule looks like - no matter what is happening in my life. There have been other times when a normal evening consists of me wolfing down two hamburgers, an unmeasurable amount of ice cream, spraying canned whipped cream directly into my mouth, and playing Farmville in a food stupor until bedtime.

In my mind, I know that the healthy times, when I am eating right and I am active, I feel better, I am happier, I am more joyful, and I am more myself. Looking at it honestly, the fat lazy times don't actually feel bad, they don't feel anything - at those times I become devoid of any feeling.

So, my question has always been - why, if I feel so much better when I am actively living a healthy lifestyle, and why, if I absolutely know this to be true, do I ever stop living that lifestyle? Why do I do the opposite of what makes me feel happy and content in my life?. Well, while reading Geneen's book this morning, I found the answer to that question. I probably would have figured out the answer sooner or later on my own - but thank you Geneen for brining it sooner - you have saved me years - or maybe lifetimes - of suffering and questioning.

This revelation came to me when reading the chapter about meditation. Now, I have never been a sit on a cushion, burning incense and chanting "om" type of girl - unless it was part of my ongoing comedy routine. You see, I have tried, but I have never been able to settle my mind and body into this state of quiet - so when I got to this meditation chapter, I was going over all my 'New Age' jokes in my head - "The breath within the breath" and all that. But, when I read Geneen's description of how meditation feels - I realized that I have done it - I have practiced it regularly for long periods of time - and when practicing it regularly it had grounded me and brought me joy.

Confused yet? I still contend that I am not polite enough to sit quietly in a room of meditators without some obvious stifling of laughter on my part, (maybe someday I will become more enlightened), but I have felt exactly the way Geneen described meditation feeling when I have taken regular walks. You see, there was a time when a morning walk was a daily practice not to be missed. It was my quiet time, my time with myself and my thoughts and feelings, my time to clarify things in my mind and heart, my time to simply experience being alive and all of the feeling that go along with it. It is also the time when I don't have to put on a strong front - the time when I don't have to keep it together - for my family, or my job, or my reputation as a sane person. It is the time when I connect with me and with nature and when I come to understand what is going on both inside and outside of me.

Sounds pretty darn awesome, doesn't it? so you are probably, like me, now wondering, why stop? Well - you're just going to have to figure that out on your own! No, just kidding. I'll tell you why.

I always feel better, happier, when I am leading a healthy and active lifestyle - but I feel other feelings as well. Life is not always good, and it is not always happy - and sometimes things happen that cause such strong feelings of despair, anger, and sadness that it is as if those feelings will tear me apart. It begin to believe I will not be able to hold it together - and then the world will witness my weakness and vulnerability. At those times, if I find myself walking alone in the early morning, I also find myself feeling feelings that I do not want to feel - that threaten to tear me apart. Believe me, I have been known to walk through a forest preserve alone, listening to some sad music on my i-pod, crying my eyes out. I tell you what - if you have some sadness in your life - download the Across The Universe version of "Let It Be," go off to some place where nobody is likely to see you, and you wont be able to help but let it all out.

The reason I stop my healthy lifestyle and turn to fat laziness is because that incredible amount of food I can fit into my body, that stupor that comes when I am stuffed beyond belief, that ability to sit for hours, tuned out from everything around me, allows me to numb all of those strong feelings. It allows me to go through life not dealing with the pain or the situations that cause that pain. And I must say - there have been times when the ease of ignoring the pain has simply been easier than facing and dealing with it. However, on the same count, it numbs the good feelings as well.

As Geneen explains, food is my drug of choice. It doesn't have to be food - it could be alcohol or drugs or internet shopping or gambling or any number of other things. It is anything that is not healthy, and that allows a person to avoid feeling and dealing. When, in actuality, as Geneen's book explains, the best thing to do is to feel the feelings, acknowledge the feelings, admit the feelings, and then deal with the situation that is causing the feelings. Apparently, feelings do not have hands or claws, and they can't truly tear your whole body apart from the inside out. They have a purpose, which is to let you know that all is not right with the universe, that there is some work needing to be done.

So, after spending some time this morning with Women Food and God, I kept my promise and took Pepper for his walk. Then it happened - "The Long And Winding Road" started playing on my i-pod - and the issues that are in my life right now surfaced into my mind and heart - and the tears tat I have been hiding under all this fat began to flow - but, today, I didn't fight against them. I let them flow. Yes, there was a chance that someone would see this crazy fat woman walking her dog and sobbing on an early Wednesday morning - but the worst that could happen is they would decide I was certified, and tell the story around the water cooler - but worse things have happened to me than that. Maybe, though, the person who saw me would have some understanding of a broken heart - because it turns out, at least according to Geneen, that I am not the only person on earth who feels bad sometimes.

And guess what, by the time "My Hump" came on, I was feeling much better - and, most likely, a fat white woman dancing to The Black Eyed Peas while walking down the street on a Wednesday morning looks even crazier then the one who had been crying moments before.

The book, Women Food and God, is not easy to read. Each time I complete another chapter, I walk away feeling raw and exposed - feeling like yet another protective layer has been removed. Still, this book is helping me to see clearly some things that have been blurred by food for many many years now. Reading the book has, so far, left me feeling more sad than happy - but it has definitely left me feeling. And feeling is what I need to do in order to live the full, healthy, honest life I am longing for. So, Geneen, you are tearing me apart - making me feel worse than I have felt in a long long time - thank you.

Poor Pepper

2010-05-04T18:03:00.000-05:00

OK, last August I had a birthday. For my birthday I got a PUPPY!

Going back in time before last August - I kept saying I wanted a puppy. My husband, however was completely against the idea. You see, we are actually more like cat people, and at the time of my birthday we had two grown cats, and the five kittens of one of our cats. We were planning on keeping two of the kittens for our boys, and finding homes for the other three. So, obviously, adding a dog to the mix didn't make much sense.

Still, I kept pushing the issue. I, however, had a very very good reason - and here it is:

I wanted a dog because dogs need to be walked, and by having a dog I would be forced to walk every single day. The dog would be my exercise partner and my incentive - and, I was certain, the dog wouldn't take no for an answer. Like that commercial where the dog brings the shoes and the leash to the guy while the guy is asleep in bed.

So, because my husband is scared of not giving me what I want, on my birthday, we all piled into the car and went to a farm, and I picked out a puppy. It was the greatest birthday ever! Plus, it meant I was about to get in shape!

My baby, Pepper.

So, now I need to tell you about my baby, Pepper. He is a small, black, cute, friendly, loyal, protective dog. He is totally crazy about me. HE follows me around the house whenever I move, sits on my lap whenever I sit, and cries and cries whenever I leave. My Pepper is the one person in my life who has absolute, unconditional love and devotion for me, no matter what I do. Pepper is never annoyed by me, he is never upset with me, he is never sick of me, he never wants to do anything unless it's with me, he is completely depressed when I am away from him, but he forgives me immediately and absolutely when I return. I can count on Pepper to always be there for me.

There is only one problem with this otherwise perfect dog. He likes to take walks, but he doesn't really care if we take walks or not. If I walk him, he trots beside looking up at me with love in his eyes. If I sit and mess around on the computer, he sits beside me and looks up at me with love in his eyes. If I lay around and do nothing, he lays around and looks at me with love in his eyes, if I eat, he sits at my fit and stares up at me with love in his eyes and waits for me to give him a bite (which I do, because he's so cute and he's looking at me with those loving eyes).

What loving me has done.

So, while my Pepper definitely serves an important purpose in my life - he doesn't serve his intended purpose. And now, after only 9 months with me, he's starting to get fat, too. So, the exercise partner of my dreams, instead of being my motivation, has simply become my partner in all things fat and lazy.

Yeah, who does this remind you of?

But, I can't blame it all on Pepper. I guess it's just another example of the idea that people can only change for themselves. I can't change for my husband (as if I would), I can't change for my kids, I can't change for the hot UPS man, I can't even change for my loving, dedicated baby boy, Pepper. I can only change for me.

But, as part of my new determination to improve my health, I can work on improving the health of my loved ones as well. Naturally, I want to bring those closest to me along with me on this journey. This begins with my biggest love, my dog, my baby, my partner in life, Pepper. (Not to mention that I know Pepper will accompany me without complaint).

So, I know you have been on the edge of your seats waiting to hear what healthy change I would choose this week, and, finally, here it is: My healthy change for the week of May 2, 2010 is that.........dun dun dun..........I am going to walk my fatso dog every day. I will wear my Anti Shoes, and I will use the time previously reserved for Farmville to improve my fitness level, and that of my dog, who I hope to have with me for many many years to come. (I'm pretty sure he'll outlive my fatso husband, at least).

Me and Pepper, together forever!

Coming soon: keep tuning in to hear the story of me training for a half marathon:

Dumbest Weight Loss Tip Ever

2010-05-02T19:27:00.001-05:00

I went to a weight watchers meeting this morning - and dun dun dun - I lost 6.4 pounds for a total of 10 pounds since I started this blog. OK OK, thank you, you can stop the applause, I know, I know - thank you.

GONE!

Yep - I'm a loser!

Anyway - at this meeting - I heard about the stupidest weight loss tip of my entire life. Here it is - when you get a salad, order the dressing on the side and DON"T PUT IT ON THE SALAD! Instead, dip your fork (you understood me, I said fork, not spoon, not ladle, but fork) into the dressing, let all that creamy deliciousness drip back off the fork into the bowl of dressing, then use said fork to spear a bunch of greens, and eat it. That' s it. Pretty dumb, huh?

But, this idiotic tip did remind me of one of the most horrible, terrifying experiences of my life. You see, I went to Corner Bakery - and being the health conscious woman you know I am, I decided to order a salad (you know the punch line if this ever happened to you). I perused the salad choices and went with the harvest salad - yum! It had mixed greens, sliced pears, sliced apples, walnuts and bleu cheese all topped with a perfectly matched balsamic vinaigrette. Healthy and delicious, right?

Then later - only so that I could continue to pat myself on the back for being the epitome of health in the face of all those fattening corner bakery sandwiches and desserts - I went on-line to check out the nutrition information. This is what I found:

Nutrition Facts

Serving Size 1 serving

Amount Per Serving

Calories

980

Calories from Fat

648

% Daily Value^*

Total Fat

72.0g

111%

Sodium

1460mg

61%

Total Carbohydrates

53.0g

18%

Dietary Fiber

10.0g

40%

Protein

37.0g

WHAT? You see that? 980 calories and a whopping 72 grams of fat. WTF? I could have had a huge cheeseburger and french fries. So much for a healthy day.

So, soon after that I went to Panera. You see Panera and Corner Bakery are two completely different things. I figured I was pretty safe with Panera, they're healthy, right? This time I ordered the Fugi Apple Salad, a personal favorite. I gobbled it down and walked out with a bounce in my step, feeling light and fit.

I looked this one up, too - and I was right, it was healthier. This one only has 520 calories and 31 grams of fat. This means cheeseburger, but no fries.

So, who knows, maybe the stupid fork thing is worth while. Supposedly, you get the low calories, high fiber, and vitamins found in fresh greens, plus enough dressing flavor to make it taste good, without all those fat and calories from the dressing (I guess you have to lose the nuts and cheese, too, though - that's a bummer).

I guess I'm willing to try it - I've been wrong before (don't tell my husband I said that, please). Who knows - maybe I'll like plain lettuce with the microscopic drop of dressing. Maybe.

Guess I'll keep you posted.

lilacia park and morton arboretum 5-2-10 - 100695455354712173327 - Picasa Web Albums

2010-05-02T17:25:00.000-05:00

lilacia park and morton arboretum 5-2-10 - 100695455354712173327 - Picasa Web Albums

Women, Food and God

2010-05-01T17:09:00.000-05:00

A friend loaned me a book called Women, Food and God by Geneen Roth. She said it was great and that I NEEDED to read it. I took it, and with my usual skepticism I started reading. My expectation was not high - in fact I was completely prepared to approach this book with my usual sarcasm and well tuned ability to turn all things like this into a joke. You see, I'm not much for self help books - I have started and never finished quite a few. But, this book is different.

By page 6, I was crying so hard that I was concerned about causing water damage to my friends book. You see, this book seems to be talking about and directly to me. In the introduction I saw my compulsion with both eating and dieting, my constant desire to be fit and healthy co existing with my daily sabotaging of that goal, my easy annoyance with my husband, my habit of shutting others out and preferring to live within myself - and my habit of choosing food as the one thing that will make me feel happy and make me feel loved. The book makes me realize that the path towards finding the physical, spiritual, and emotional health and happiness I am seeking will require recognizing, accepting and letting go of past hurts and deeply buried pain. Nothing so funny about that.

So, all that and I only made it up to Chapter 2. Dang, right? But, I guess that change cannot be achieved without some real soul searching and realization of reasons why we do the things we do. There were two quotes from this book that really spoke to me:

"The relentless attempts to be thin take you further and further away from what could actually end your suffering: getting back in touch with who you really are. Your true nature. Your essence."

"Can you remember a time, perhaps when you were very young, when life as it was - just the fact that it was early morning or any old day in summer - was enough? When you were enough - not because of what you looked like or what you did, but just because everything was the way it was. Nothing was wrong. When you were sad, you cried and then it was over. You were back to a fundamental feeling of positivity, of goodness just because you were alive. What if you could live that way now? And what if your relationship to food was the doorway?"

I began this blog because I felt like I had become a person that i didn't recognize anymore. I didn't delight in things that I used to love - like nature and playing with my children. I was feeling tired and withdrawn, and unable to do things I would like to do because of the extra pounds I was carrying around. In the few weeks I have been writing I have felt a difference in myself, a desire to enjoy life, and a renewed ability to do that. But I don't feel that I have made a full return to who I once was - and I miss that person.

From what little I have read of this book, I feel that Geneen Roth is a person who at one time felt much as I do now, and a person who was able to reclaim herself and her joy. I am excited about this book and about learning more about myself today, about the person I once was, and about the person I am becoming.

Peace

Giving Up The Farm

2010-05-01T07:29:00.000-05:00

Howdy Farmville Neighbors,

I got out of bed this morning, and as usual, I made my cup of tea and came to my computer to see how many farmville gifts I have received. While the temptation to open all of these lovely packages was strong, I resisted. You see, I think it is time for me to give up the farm. I hope it wont be turned into real estate land or a parking lot, and I pray that my animals, and especially my circus elephant, will be able to fend for themselves - but I simply must let nature take it's course now, and apply myself to other things, such as my family, my health and my home.

Neighbors, I want you to know how much farming with you has meant to me. It has been so wonderful to have a community of friends always willing to help out, and so fulfilling to be able to help you in return. The memories will stay with me always, no matter what new endeavors I pursue. For instance, I will never forget how you all rallied together to help me build my horse stable. And of course, there are all those times you cleared my weeds, scared away the foxes, and raked up my leaves. Your easy willingness to sacrifice your time and materials really touched my heart. and, gosh, how we worked together to get that circus elephant - what can I say, other than I really love you guys. I couldn't have done it without you.

There is a time in everyones life when it is simply better to leave some things and some people behind. This time has been coming for a while now. But, neighbors, please know that I will carry you in my heart, and I consider you not only my neighbors, but my friends.

Goodbye Farmville - I will miss you.

FLSM

RRREEEEEWWWWIIIIIIINNNNNNDDDDDD

2010-04-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

So, I came home from work today feeling tired and cranky and generally ill-natured. I think my old bad attitude was sneaking up on me a little bit. I really didn't feel like interacting with any members of my family, I didn't feel like doing anything productive, I didn't feel like moving. After some amount of wasted time, I started a boring and uninspired blog about how it is important to sometimes just sit and do nothing.

But then, I was saved from myself and my negativity. It was the barbarians that did it. I was really all for having the whole family veg out in front of various screens for several hours. The boys, however, were not quite with me on this plan. They wanted out, and they wanted me out with them.

If you have children, you know that they can be quite persistent when they want something. My boys are no exception, in fact I think they have a particular talent for persistence. When they want something, they don't let it go, and they work as a team to keep the momentum going. So, luckily for you, I finally walked away from the boring nothing blog I was writing, and went outside.

An amazing thing happened. The moment I was out in the fresh air, my rotten attitude began to lift. We found and caught a toad, and then had to search for toad food (consisting of worms and slugs), and began digging holes, and searching under rocks and logs. This eventually led to playing ball, and riding bikes, and a great afternoon right there in our own yard. Before I knew it, several hours had passed, and it was time to move on to our next planned event.

Thinking back, I wonder what was keeping me from just going outside and enjoying the beautiful afternoon. I think that as adults we something feel so overwhelmed by things needing to be done that we forget to simply enjoy ourselves sometimes. My theory is that the negative mood, and lack of motivation have to do with feeling overwhelmed by what we perceive as obligations - and this leads to a kind of shut down that leaves us neither accomplishing tasks nor enjoying life.

I am thinking that the solution is creating a balance. Leaving piles of tasks unfinished isn't good for the psyche. I think it leaves us feeling unhappy with our living space and environment, and leaves us feeling overwhelmed with what needs to get done. At the same time, finding no joy in daily living leaves us feeling dissatisfied with our lives and leaves us spiritually restless.

So, like I said - a balance must be achieved. We must feel accomplished in different areas of our lives, but we must have time for simple play and enjoyment without a particular agenda or planned outcome. Like children, we must do things for fun simply because fun feels good. Without having some of both, we cannot find contentment with our lives.

Body Magic

2010-04-29T17:15:00.000-05:00

So, this friend of mine has decided to sell Body Magic Girdles as a little side business. I mentioned it once before - you know, the same friend who said I had fat arms. Anyway, she keeps looking at me in this funny way. I think my fat deposits are beginning to look like dollar signs before her very eyes. Plus, she keeps dropping these subtle hints like "you really need a girdle" and "when are you going to buy a girdle?" I have to admit that she is looking pretty hot, with all of her curves exactly where curves should be, but I'm all about comfort - I'm the loose ankle length dress and sandals type. But then I'm thinking "You know, Fat Lazy Soccer Mom, maybe the comfortable clothes are allowing you to stay in the fat and lazy mode. Maybe it is time for a change." I have admit that chillin' in my maxi dress makes it a lot easier to ignore extra pounds, because the dress allows plenty of space for them.

It's definitely easier than trying to stuff all that fat into some blue jeans so tight that you you can't sit down all day.

Looking at it that way, though, makes me think that maybe a little discomfort would serve as a reminder that there is some weight to be lost. Plus, the Body Magic promises to sculpt your fat into something attractive while you work towards having something truly attractive. In addition, it squeezes your stomach so you can't eat very much anyway. So I decided to look into this Body Magic thing a little bit. Check this out:

Pretty amazing, huh. A long time ago a friend said to me "I wish that if we all had to be a certain weight, we could at least decide where we wanted that weight to be." It looks like this Body Magic does exactly that. Maybe it could really squish all the fat out of my thighs and stomach and push it to my chest and butt. It's like a beautiful fantasy, realized.

The temptation is strong. For a mere $85, I could go from this:

To this:

Pretty awesome, huh? It really is Body Magic.

I am practically sold, if for no other reason than that I can blog about Body Magic due to first hand experience (B, if you are reading this, how about a free girdle so that I can write to the world all about it. I got a free lunch for my poem, you know.)

I said practically sold because, even though the photos are persuasive, and B's recent hot bodness is extra persuasive, I do have one concern. Here it is: I wear my Body Magic all day, and I look super fly for all the preschoolers in my classes (and for their single dads - and the cute nice guy that comes to assess the kids - and especially for my favorite UPS man). Then I take my kids to the park where I stand around looking sexy, earning the jealous glances of all the other moms. Then I get home and make some dinner while looking spicy in my French Maid Costume (which I always wear while doing household chores - I didn't end up with four sons for nothing, you know). Then, looking seductive in my flannel pajamas and fuzzy slippers I get the boys off to bed. My husband and I are finally alone together - and he has been waiting all day to get at my new curvaceousness, so now it is time to remove my Body Magic - and this happens:

And he runs screaming out the front door.

A Letter To Kirstie Alley

2010-04-29T06:47:00.000-05:00

Dear Kirstie,

I noticed your picture on the front of Ladies Home Journal, and I respect your plan to lose 100 pounds, again. Well, believe me, I know how important it is to move forward with a weight loss plan when you are feeling inspired and ready. However, I am writing to implore you to wait. You see, generally actresses need to be thin to get the best roles - but I have a great opportunity for you, but it will require you to hold on to those extra pounds for a little while longer.

I am sure you have read the popular, and excellent, blog, The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom Gets Healthy. Well, I happen to be the author of that blog. I understand if you are feeling somewhat starstruck, but, yes, I am The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom, and , yes, I am writing to you.

Anyway - getting to the point. You see, I am sure that several script writers and producers are scouting my blog as we speak. I actually expect I will be approached any day now for a feature film with an inexhaustible budget. You, Kirstie, are the person I envision playing me in the movie. A role like this could be the pivotal moment in your career (think Oscars), and I am also sure that by really getting into, and becoming the character of The Fat Lazy soccer Mom, you will be able to realize the type of lifestyle change required to become the person you are really hoping to be.

Just imagine it Kirsti - this is you when we begin filming:

And this is you, after experiencing my own transformation for yourself, preparing to accept your first Academy Award:

Kirstie - I emplore you to seriously consider this amazing opportunity. You are the person I want for this role, and I would be willing to insist on you as the precondition before I would agree to sign any contract. But, you would have to begin the role with the extra 100 pounds, or it simply wouldn't work. You will be able to lose weight during the filming, using my presence and my words as your inspiration.

If you feel you simply cannot wait, I will be disappointed, but I will understand. I have, like you, gone through the weight loss process enough times to know how important it is to act when feeling motivated - but I just really believe that working alongside me will be more beneficial for you in the long run.

I will not think less of you if you decide to move forward with your weight loss plans. I have been told by reliable sources that Oprah is already putting on the pounds in the hopes of obtaining this crucial role. Just know that you were always my first choice - in my mind and heart you, Kirstie, are the epitome of The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom - you will always be my Fat Lazy Soccer Mom.

Please, Kirstie, do not feel intimidated by me. I want you to know that I am just like any normal person, and I want you to contact me any time - be it about the movie, or just because you need kind words and strength in your efforts to better yourself. Know that I am here for you, whatever decision you make.

Yours Truly,

FLSM

Poop

2010-04-27T19:23:00.000-05:00

The other day I was reading a book about going on an airplane to my five year old class. Pretty harmless, right? well, it was, until the little boy in the book went to the bathroom on the airplane. They just went crazy - "eeeeew," "yuck," "disgusting." I said something like "It's no big deal, everybody goes to the bathroom." The response from the class remained the same, until one brave little boy, a sage really, said "I think it feels good." This comment was met with a solemn silence. In our hearts we all agreed, and this wise child was the only one among us with the courage to say it out loud. You know it's true, though, poop feels good. It is actually up there with some of the best feelings in the world.

One of my favorite books.

Every morning I get out of bed and have a cup of tea (you thought I was going to say coffee, didn't you?) Anyway, every morning I get up and have a cup of tea, and soon it hits me - it is time to poop. some days it is slow to come, and even though the sensation is there, I can sit and read or play farmville for a few minutes before I have to make my way to the bathroom. Other days I have to jump up and rush because it's coming out. But no matter what type of day it is, my little friend is right, it just plain feels good.

You know it's true. When it's all soft and sliding out, you feel proud because you really stuck to a healthy diet the day before. When it's diarrhea, you feel satisfied that you are probably losing weight. When you've been constipated, and it finally comes out, you feel such a sense of relief. And, of course, theres The Biggie. You know the one. It doesn't fit down the toilet hole, so you have to break it up with a wire hanger. That one is definitely the best! (Wait, I had to pause for a minute while I was thinking about The Biggie).

If you are lucky enough to have a diet that leads to The Biggie, you should look into getting one of these:

The Big Toilet for Big People

Honestly, though, I once took a biology class and the professor explained that you can monitor the quality of your diet by checking on your poop before you flush. If the poop is liquidy or mushy, then you have too much fiber in your diet and you need to balance it out. If it sinks, that means too much fat. If it leaves tracks in the toilet, then it's much too much fat. If it is hard little balls, then you need more water fruits and vegetables. If it is soft but formed and it floats, then you have a balanced diet. Good to know, right?

Poop really is a great thing. One time I was in Dominicks with my friend, R. She left me searching for some particular wine she wanted to buy while she ran to the bathroom. She came back with a HUGE smile on her face - and told me that her poop had been like soft serve ice cream and that it almost swirled right up to her butt. Such joy this brought her. (and yes, all you young teenagers and men - women, especially weight conscious women, do discuss their poop).

It swirled like soft serve ice cream

In fact, I am quite jealous of R, because, where I poop regularly in the morning, she poops regularly after every meal. She gets to experience that climactic feeling at least three times a day - like a breast fed baby (which explains why they are generally happier than the bottle fed variety). Ah well, I suppose some of us are just more blessed than others.

Anyway - the point is, appereciate your poop. Even when nothing else is going right in your life, you can count on your poop being there to make you feel better. It is a beautiful thing. When you are sad, lonely, or disappointed - when you feel you are without a friend in the world, as long as you are still breathing, your poop will be there. Your poop loves you, and you should love your poop.

To learn more, go to:

http://www.poopprank.com/poop-photos/index.htm

IMG00061-20100427-1409.jpg

2010-04-27T14:09:00.000-05:00

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Spring blossoms

2010-04-27T14:06:00.001-05:00

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

The Anti Shoe

2010-04-26T20:51:00.000-05:00

I know that by now everyone has heard about the awesome shoes that tone your muscles while you walk around all day long. I even saw them at K-mart the other day. But - I, always being up on the latest get thin craze, happen to still own one of the first pairs of MBT shoes (the original). I don't really know why they call them the anti-shoe - like they are shoes that are against shoes - like they're going to start a revolution or something. Who knows. Anyway - even though they don't get along well with other shoes, I do have a pair, and I know my pair isn't armed - so I pulled them out and put them on today:

My foot wearing an MBT shoe.

MBT Shoes - Home of the Anti shoe

So, I bet you are wondering how it is to wear these super awesome exercise shoes all day. Well, imagine you are in a room full of three year olds trying to balance on two inverted turtle shells all day long. That is a basic description of how my day went (sounds like a punishment in Dante's Inferno, doesn't it?)

Imagine balancing on two of these all day long!

But I didn't stop there - no, not me! I also took a walk over my lunch break and went to the park where I played Frisbee while holding the dog on his leash - all while balancing on two turtles. so, now I'm home, and while my glutes don't feel any different - my feet really hurt.

Do you want to know how much they hurt? Well, usually if I am wearing shoes with ties, I wait until after my husband finishes making dinner and doing the dishes to have him untie and remove my shoes so that he can rub my feet and put my slippers on them. Today - I went ahead and took off my own shoes WHILE he was making dinner, AND I put on my own slippers. But it's really a good kind of pain, because now that the shoes are off and my feet are up, they are so relieved to be out of the shoes that they feel great. Besides, I feel like I'm probably going to sleep really well tonight. My feet are looking so forward to going to bed.

But I am going to do it again tomorrow - and here's why:

Weird a-sexual naked guy wearing exercise shoes.

As weird a-sexual naked guy demonstrates - these shoes target all of my trouble spots (except for the fat arms - I still need the hand weights for those). Really, if you think about it, sore feet are not a huge price to pay for a high quality work out like this one. As the MBT web site states "you'll exercise muscles your trainer didn't even know you had." Before you know it I will look just like weird a-sexual naked guy!

In other news - I packed my first work 'waste free' lunch:

My healthy 'waste free' lunch.

Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that right there. It was a little harder than I expected .I usually toss in a yogurt and a fiber bar - but they both have waste. I was going to just take them out of their packages at home and put them in containers so there would be no waste in my lunch, but I figured thats kind of like cheating - so, more changes to work on.

Earth Day Part 2

2010-04-25T17:28:00.000-05:00

Today we went to yet another Earth Day celebration, this time at another favorite place, Thorn Creek Nature Preserve in Park Forest, IL. Unfortunately, it was raining - which generally puts a bit of a damper (literally) on an Earth Day celebration. In fact, I have an idea. Maybe, instead of healthcare, what Obama should be working on is passing a law that it only rains at night. That way, we would get all the benefits of rain without getting stuck inside on the weekends.

Pass legislation # 487. Never let this happen to any child again!

Fortunately, because the new law has not yet been passed, Thorn Creek had an indoor contingency plan and the day was really fun, once again, quite educational, and really well attended. Unfortunately, I didn't want to carry my very awesome camera through the rain, so I didn't get any pictures at the event to share with you.

I did, however, get such a wonderful simple idea which is probably a huge step towards my new 'green attitude.' If you already thought of this idea, and want to tell me that I am way behind the times - sorry - but you can keep your criticism to yourself (I'm really not good with criticism - ask my husband, I almost knifed him when he told me I made a grammatical mistake), (but then I went on the computer and corrected it, shhhhhhh).

So, here it is - Waste Free Lunches! There is even a website: www.wastefreelunches.org. Tara at Thorn Creek came up with a challenge. every family who brought a waste free lunch (meaning no garbage at all) got to take home a prize. Well, you know I love winning, and you know I love prizes, so I was all over that challenge. At first I was going to just bring bananas and oranges - but I didn't really feel like listening to my children whining that they were hungry. Then I was going to try to find a bunch of little tiny containers, but we didn't have enough in the house. Then - I went to K-mart, and found the most awesome things - ON SALE.

Ziploc Divided Container

Ziploc makes these sectioned off containers with a big section for a main course, and two smaller sections for fruit or snacks or dips or whatever. They're like re-usable lunchable containers. I got one for each of us, and each member of the family had their own personalized lunch - with no garbage - OOH OOH!

Best part - I GOT A PRIZE! And such a nice prize, too. I got a beautiful garden starter kit. Love It!

So - this is one idea I plan to stick to. When I pack my healthy lunch every day, I am going to continue with the NO WASTE challenge. My husband does all the dishes, anyway, so its no skin off my nose to bring containers back home instead of throwing baggies away. So, it's gone with the days of "all disposable sack lunches," and in with "Eco-lunches." How cool is that? I'm feeling greener every second. Thank you Thorn Creek for the great idea, and the great day!

A Green Lunch. Yummy!!!

Oh yeah - and, bad news. I started reading Yoga for Smartasses, and so far it's not funny at all.The only funny thing is the cover - but we'll see.

Earth Day 2010

2010-04-24T17:02:00.000-05:00

Today we went to the Earth Day Celebration at Goodenow Grove (Plum creek Nature Center) in Beecher, IL. This is the same place where my children were swarmed and stung mercilessly by angry yellow jackets last fall, but it is also a place we always have, and always will, love. Even the most traumatic experience in my children's lives thus far couldn't keep them away for ever - and on this visit - all of their fear seemed to have dissipated.

Anyhoo - that is another story. I kinda figured that dragging the little bambinos to the site of their greatest fear would be a big boost to my new 'eco-attitude'. Earth day was lovely, peaceful, educational, and enjoyable. We loved it as a family. There was good organic food, lots of information, games, recycleable arts and crafts, honey bees, nature hikes, worm composting and a lovely family picnic in the pavilion. Here's some pictures:

Elijah and the bees. See - no more trauma!

Mikey searching for critters under a log.

Marko with his friend "Worm."

It was really great, and I learned a lot about worm composting and about honey bees - but by far, for me, the best part of the day was laying on a picnic table in the sun with my eyes closed listening to the sounds of spring birds and frogs. Relaxing out in nature is definitely the best thing in the world to do as far as I'm concerned. Be it at the beach, at lilacia park, or at the forest preserve - there is nothing I like more that laying down, closing my eyes, feeling the sun and the breeze on my skin.

So I was laying there, feeling great, when it hit me. two things were happening here. One good and one not so good. The good - I am realizing that I am happiest in nature and that is where I should be. I used to know that - but I think I forgot it somewhere along the way. The not so good thing is that I am realizing that I am also happiest when I am laying around - which may be directly related to my fat laziness problem. So - there is a problem needing to be solved.

How can I stay true to myself if I truly want a healthier body when my true self is truly happiest laying around being truly fat? These are two ideas of self at odds with each other. On the one hand we have the fit, hot, energetic me running along the beach in my bikini, long braids blowing in the ocean breezes. Then there is the relaxed, peaceful, fat me smiling in my mumu with a giant BBQ turkey leg in my hand.

So, I was laying there, in the sunlight, listening to the birds, considering this dilemma - when an idea popped into my head - a simple, beautiful idea - YOGA. I can lay on my bench, peaceful, eyes closed, birds singing, butterflies playing with my hair, bunnies hopping all around, gentle does gazing at me through the grass - doing YOGA!!!! So - I'm not being fat and lazy - I'm being progressive, enlightened, and cosmic minded. It's the perfect solution!

So, I whipped out my computer (I know I promised to leave it at home, but, hey, I'm not perfect - yet). I searched for available yoga books on my kindle. You see, whenever I get a great new idea about something I want to do, like building trellises, or making furniture, or experimenting with nuclear reactors, I immediately order a book on the subject. So, I checked the kindle site for a yoga book that seemed right for me and I found the perfect one!!! Check this out:

YOGA FOR SMARTASSES

Isn't that just made for me? I am just so psyched about smartass yoga! so, I can be all cool and new age and STILL be a smartass! Life just doesn't get much better than this!!!!