A Momentous Day

Well, today is a big day.   I did something I thought I might never do.  I let go of something that I have been holding on to for many many years - and it was something very difficult to give up, something I have felt I needed for a long time.

I actually cancelled my Weight Watcher membership.  I know - you're all like "What?  Cancelled?  What happened to the whole getting healthy thing?"  I realize that I have gone on and on about the book Women Food and God at nauseum - but the ideas in that book are really making me look at life, eating and what a 'healthy lifestyle' really is in a whole new light.

I have been a Weight Watchers member for many years now, like my mother before me.  I will give Weight Watchers credit - because when following their plan I did lose a great deal of weight - but then when I stopped following their plan, I became a self proclaimed Weight Watchers rebel - and gained a lot of weight.  I know that their plan works when you work it (as they say), but, I personally, cannot imagine keeping track of everything I eat and its point value for the rest of my life.  As a matter of fact - I have this weird mutinous side that wants to stick it to them, and eats a gazillion points just to show the god of Weight Watchers that I can do whatever I want - damn the consequences.

Still, whether or not I am following the Weight Watchers program, I allow that $34.95 to be deducted from my bank account each month - because deep down I have always felt that I needed Weight Watchers to become the person I want to be.

According to Geneen Roth, living a healthy lifestyle does not require counting points, or restricting particular fattening foods - it requires listening to your body - being aware of hunger - and choosing to be healthy.

I did get a lot out of my Weight Watcher years.  I learned about healthier alternatives, I learned how to make conscience eating choices, I learned about nutrition and about the importance of physical activity.  However, it is a set of rules to follow that do not bring me joy, and do not really fit with the person I am.

Not to mention - I currently weigh as much as I did after my fourth  son was born - which is pretty darn big.  Just to give you an idea - while I was pregnant with Marko - I felt the need to eat a humongous steak burrito from Burrito Station (the kind that are actually big enough to feed a small village) every morning at 9:00 to stave off morning sickness.  And, that was my mid-morning snack.  Granted, Marko was a huge baby - but he only made up about 9 of the 800 pounds I gained.  The point is - hanging onto the security blanket of a Weight Watchers membership has not given me the body or the happiness I was looking for.  Just the opposite - it has given me a feeling of ineptness and guilt at my inability to stick to the Weight Watcher's simple program.  Plus a sense of failure and self loathing because I made it within five pounds of my 'goal weight' and then started gaining it all back again.

So, I'm letting it go.  I'm letting go of the membership - I'm letting go of the points - and I'm letting go of the guilt. I am going to attempt to eat food in order to nourish my body (imagine that) - eat as much as I need to satisfy my hunger (considering that is all food should be for) - and not eat when I'm not hungry.  I am also going to try to accept and be happy with my body as it is, and appreciate all of the things that it can do.

So, I hope Geneen Roth isn't just some nut - and this whole eating food in order to satisfy physical hunger isn't simply the rantings of a lunatic.  I guess if I start writing like some kind of depraved idiot ranting about divine visions of cupcakes - you will know that life without dieting is just another one of those weird New Age hippie things I tend to be so fond of.  So, yeah - if you see the signs - just let me know.