An Open Heart

Well - it is extremely early in the morning - but, I am not, I repeat, not just waking up - I have actually been awake ALL STINKING NIGHT.  Once again, the person to blame for this is author Geneen Roth.  You will be happy to know, however, that I am not still reading Women Food and God.  It was yet another Geneen Roth book, Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, that kept me from my precious sleep.  I also went through an entire package of highlighters (you thought I was going to say cookies, didn't you?).  Honestly, though, there were only two words in the book that I didn't highlight - and and the - and I only skipped those because I was beginning to think it was a little weird to highlight an entire book.  so, my question to Geneen is - exactly how long have you had hidden cameras in my home and refrigerator - and who do you have to know to get your hands on that technology that can read my mind and my feelings?  You know Geneen, I know that a person of my stature can seem imposing, but I really would have been happy to give an interview - it would have been much simpler.

All kidding aside, the ideas, stories and guidance of this book have opened up a part of me that has been so deeply buried - so completely latent - for so many years  - that I thought it didn't exist anymore.  But, during my all night reading session (which is, incidentally, something else I thought I was no longer capable of), I realized that that part of me not only exists - but it is longing to be unearthed so that it can sing out with joy.

I, like most people, have experienced emotional pain in my life.  And I, like many people, have become self protective as a result of past hurts.  While reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating last night I remembered a younger time when I gave love joyfully, fully and freely.  Unfortunately, in opening up my heart so fully, having it broken was a devastation that caused me to, mostly, close it off.  Even more unfortunately, when I shut away my willingness to love completely and unabashedly - I  also shut away my exuberance, my joy and my zest.

But thank you, once again, to Geneen Roth.  I now believe that all hope is not lost.  I had a couple of other realizations during the wee hours of the morning - and, yes, lucky readers, I am going to share them with you.

The first one is this:  You know my tremendously annoying husband?  I guess he's not actually all that bad.  One big reason is this - he has known me at every weight possible for my body - and not only has he never complained - he never appeared to notice.  Seriously, whether I am at my thinnest or at my mu-mu wearing fattest, he has looked at me with that same sappy, goofy puppy dog eyes - which are brimming with love.  Additionally - I absolutely know for certain that that man - even though he will  irritate me every day for the rest of my life - will never break my heart.  Therefore, I really have no reason  to protect it anymore.

So, while lying awake in bed all night, reading Breaking Free from Emotional Eating, I actually felt the physical sensation of my chest opening up - freeing my long dormant ability to love fully, freely and unconditionally.  I felt more and more like a young girl with her first love - only this time the risk of rejection is non-existent.  As the sun rose, I was ready to love my husband and my children with an open, confident, and complete heart.

On top of it all, reading this book helped me to see how my fat laziness is connected to past hurts and longing for self protection.  Geneen Roth - you are something else.  I think I still have a ways to go - but thank  you for the beacon to help me on my way.  I will probably be exhausted at work today - but it was well worth it.

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