Thursday, June 3, 2010

When I'm Thin

As EVERYONE knows, I am attempting to lose a little weight (or a lot of weight - kind of depends on your perspective). Anyway - when setting any type of goal, it is important to have a clear vision of how achieving said goal will improve your overall situation.  In that way, it is easier to stay motivated - even in the face of obstacles and difficulties.  Whether the goal is to get a better job, own a villa in France, learn how to swallow fire, or have your disgustingly unsightly varicose veins removed - having a well-defined mental depiction of the changes this goal will bring to your life is an imperative ingredient for success.

With all of that in mind - I have decided to list all of the things I will do differently in my life once I achieve thinness.

1.  I will wear some of those tight flare jeans with the holes in them and the low slung waist that sits just above the butt crack (or, sometimes, just below) - You know the ones you see all the skanky high school girls wearing.  I mean, who cares if I'm middle aged - when you're hot you've got to flaunt it!!!

2.  I will buy a dress that does not flow all the way down to my ankles.  Currently, I dress like a woman out of   the 1800's - as if showing any minor amount of skin were obscene and indecent.  But, when I am thin - it will be all about skin!

3.  I will take up wall climbing.  I tried this not too long ago, but trying to heft all of the extra weight up onto those little sticky-outie thingies is definitely not easy to do.  When I am lighter, however, I will fly up that wall.

4.  I will ride "Batman" at Great America.  You see, before you get on Batman, you have to sit in one of the roller coaster seats to make sure you fit.  If you don't fit - you don't ride.  This time, though, I wont even have to check - I'll just get right in line.

5.  I will ask the super hot UPS man out on a date.  I probably wont actually go - it might upset my family if I do.  But still, when I'm thin I will get up the nerve to ask.  I don't think I'll break his heart too too bad because he looks like he gets plenty of dates (but I'll always be the one he lost - poor guy).

6.  I will wear my swimming suit - without a dress to my ankles - in front of people I know and like.  I do wear it openly now - as long as we go to some obscure beach two states over - but never, ever, in front of people whose opinion of me matters.

7.  I will take up running.  Right now, if I run, I lose the ability to use my knees for several days.  I'm thinking this might be weight related - so when I'm thin - it should be no problem.

8.  I will wear shorts that do not follow the "must be past your fingertips" rule.  You know - the warm weather dress code from Jr. High?  Well - when I am thin - I'm planning to show the world ALL 33 inches of these limbs.

9.  I'm going to sleep 100% nekkid.  There are two reasons I wear pajamas.  The first is that I can't stand the way it feels when my thighs rub together.  The other is that I don't want all the males in my house to see me in my birthday suit. When I achieve thinness - all that stuff that rubs between my thighs will be gone - so it wont bother me anymore.  As far as all of the males in my house - here's how I see it:  having them see a fat naked mommy is pretty gross, and possibly traumatic - but once I am thin, it will be like exposing them to a great work of art.  That's called being cultured.

10.  I am going to post an un-photoshopped picture of myself, scantily dressed, wet from swimming in the ocean, with sand sticking to my tanned smooth skin, right here on this blog!!!   Aren't you excited?  Now you have something to look forward to!!!!

Well, Geneen Roth says that all those things you are planning to do once you lose weight - you should go ahead and do right now.  She says that you should love yourself just the way you are, and should never feel that weight is a valid reason to avoid being who you want to be and doing what you want to do.  If you can't love yourself and feel confident  fat - you wont love yourself and feel confident thin either.

So - here's the healthy change of the week.  Whenever the thought enters my head that I am not going to do something because of my weight - I am going to cancel that thought right out.  I am strong and beautiful at any size - and NOTHING can hold me back from living the life I deserve to live!!!!

So - where to start?  Should I order a package and wait for the UPS guy?   Should I go to the pool cover-up free?  Should I jog around the track?  Should I slip between the sheets in my birthday suit?

No - none of those.  I think, instead, to reward you, my loyal readers, for sticking by me - I will go right now and start searching for a photographer who specializes in "tastefully sexy" photos.  Keep watching out for it - It's going to be awesome!


  1. Me, too! I say yes to all ten. Except maybe number seven. I still can't convince myself to run.

  2. I LOVE #2 - that you dress like someone from the 1800's. When you give that up, give those cute dresses to me! Thanks for another good laugh.

  3. Great blog and all so true. I've heard of this cute UPS man from my daughter, I think I might have to move!!

  4. You are hilarious and I love your blog! You always say something that's just what I need to read. Thank you!