Thursday, April 29, 2010

A Letter To Kirstie Alley

Dear Kirstie,

I noticed your picture on the front of Ladies Home Journal, and I respect your plan to lose 100 pounds, again. Well, believe me, I know how important it is to move forward with a weight loss plan when you are feeling inspired and ready.  However, I am writing to implore you to wait.  You see, generally actresses need to be thin to get the best roles - but I have a great opportunity for you, but it will require you to hold on to those extra pounds for a little while longer.

I am sure you have read the popular, and excellent, blog, The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom Gets Healthy.  Well, I happen to be the author of that blog.  I understand if you are feeling somewhat starstruck, but, yes, I am The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom, and , yes, I am writing to you.

Anyway - getting to the point.  You see, I am sure that several script writers and producers are scouting my blog as we speak.  I actually expect I will be approached any day now for a feature film with an inexhaustible budget.  You, Kirstie, are the person I envision playing me in the movie.  A role like this could be the pivotal moment in your career (think Oscars), and I am also sure that by really getting into, and becoming the character of The Fat Lazy soccer Mom, you will be able to realize the type of lifestyle change required to become the person you are really hoping to be.

Just imagine it Kirsti - this is you when we begin filming:

And this is you, after experiencing my own transformation for yourself, preparing to accept your first Academy Award:

Kirstie - I emplore you to seriously consider this amazing opportunity.  You are the person I want for this role, and I would be willing to insist on you as the precondition before I would agree to sign any contract.  But, you would have to begin the role with the extra 100 pounds, or it simply wouldn't work.  You will be able to lose weight during the filming, using my presence and my words as your inspiration.

If you feel you simply cannot wait, I will be disappointed, but I will understand.  I have, like you, gone through  the weight loss process enough times to know how important it is to act when feeling motivated - but I just really believe that working alongside me will be more beneficial for you in the long run.

I will not think less of you if you decide to move forward with your weight loss plans.  I have been told by reliable sources that Oprah is already putting on the pounds in the hopes of obtaining this crucial role. Just know that you were always my first choice - in my mind and heart you, Kirstie, are the epitome of The Fat Lazy Soccer Mom - you will always be my Fat Lazy Soccer Mom.

Please, Kirstie, do not feel intimidated by me.  I want you to know that I am just like any normal person, and I want you to contact me any time - be it about the movie, or just because you need kind words and strength in your efforts to better yourself.  Know that I am here for you, whatever decision you make.

Yours Truly,


1 comment:

  1. If I were Kirstie I would hod out for that role! She'd be crazy to pass up this opportunity and give it away to Oprah!