Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Poop

The other day I was reading a book about going on an airplane to my five year old class.  Pretty harmless, right? well, it was, until the little boy in the book went to the bathroom on the airplane.  They just went crazy - "eeeeew," "yuck," "disgusting."  I said something like "It's no big deal, everybody goes to the bathroom."  The response from the class remained the same, until one brave little boy, a sage really, said "I think it feels good."  This comment was met with a solemn silence.  In our hearts we all agreed, and this wise child was the only one among us with the courage to say it out loud.  You know it's true, though, poop feels good.  It is actually up there with some of the best feelings in the world.

One of my favorite books.


Every morning I get out of bed and have a cup of tea (you thought I was going to say coffee, didn't you?)  Anyway, every morning I get up and have a cup of tea, and soon it hits me - it is time to poop.  some days it is slow to come, and even though the sensation is there, I can sit and read or play farmville for a few minutes before I have to make my way to the bathroom.  Other days I have to jump up and rush because it's coming out.  But no matter what type of day it is, my little friend is right, it just plain feels good.

You know it's true.  When it's all soft and sliding out, you feel proud because you really stuck to a healthy diet the day before.  When it's diarrhea, you feel satisfied that you are probably losing weight.  When you've been constipated, and it finally comes out, you feel such a sense of relief.  And, of course, theres The Biggie.  You know the one. It doesn't fit down the toilet hole, so you have to break it up with a wire hanger.  That one is definitely the best!  (Wait, I had to pause for a minute while I was thinking about The Biggie).

If you are lucky enough to have a diet that leads to The Biggie, you should look into getting one of these:

The Big Toilet for Big People

Honestly, though, I once took a biology class and the professor explained that you can monitor the quality of your diet by checking on your poop before you flush.  If the poop is liquidy or mushy, then you have too much fiber in your diet and you need to balance it out.  If it sinks, that means too much fat.  If it leaves tracks in the toilet, then it's much too much fat.  If it is hard little balls, then you need more water fruits and vegetables.  If it is soft but formed and it floats, then you have a balanced diet.  Good to know, right?

Poop really is a great thing.  One time I was in Dominicks with my friend, R.  She left me searching for some particular wine she wanted to buy while she ran to the bathroom.  She came back with a HUGE smile on her face - and told me that her poop had been like soft serve ice cream and that it almost swirled right up to her butt.  Such joy this brought her.  (and yes, all you young teenagers and men - women, especially weight conscious women, do discuss their poop).

 It swirled like soft serve ice cream

In fact, I am quite jealous of R, because, where I poop regularly in the morning, she poops regularly after every meal.  She gets to experience that climactic feeling at least three times a day - like a breast fed baby (which explains why they are generally happier than the bottle fed variety).  Ah well, I suppose some of us are just more blessed than others.

Anyway - the point is, appereciate your poop.  Even when nothing else is going right in your life, you can count on your poop being there to make you feel better.  It is a beautiful thing.  When you are sad, lonely, or disappointed - when you feel you are without a friend in the world, as long as you are still breathing, your poop will be there.  Your poop loves you, and you should love your poop.

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